“I don’t know a lot about things anymore. I used to. I used to be one of the smartest people any of my friends knew,” recently zombified former real estate agent Mark Fitzsimmons told us in a new Skype interview. “What I do know for certain, even in my current intellectual…um…state…is that voter fraud doesn’t seem like it’s a real thing, at least not the way that certain people make it out to be. When someone keeps lying to my face about how bad something is, it makes me wonder what it is they’re not wanting me to actually see is going on.”
Mark relayed to us that one of the last things he did while a member of the living, and not the undead as he is now, was to listen to a podcast put out by PragerU on the subject of voter fraud. PragerU, a hardline conservative think tank, made Mark think that voter fraud was so prevalent that it had to be addressed with the strictest regulations on voting that law would allow. However, to be on the safe side, Mark said he did some Google research and couldn’t find a single story from a credible news outlet that put an actual number on the caseload of voter fraud in the country.
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“It was almost like it didn’t really exist; not in any way real way,” Mark said, “and as it turns out, the parts of the country where people seem to be the most nervous about voter fraud are the parts that are occupied by mostly people of color and poorer Americans. When you look at things in that light, it’s kinda hard not to see voter fraud as just a dog whistle for voter suppression, since that’s where it all ends up going anyway — keeping CERTAIN folks from voting.”
Last week, Mark was bitten by another zombie, and eventually he bled out, dying on the street right in front of his home. When he came to, he was a zombie himself, and had forgotten a lot of what used to occupy his brain, which is now medically dead. While doctors still aren’t sure how zombies like Mark are able to function with a dead brain, Mark says he’s “shocked and surprised” at what wasn’t purged from his memories.
“I can still remember my first bite of chocolate cake,” Mark assured us, “and I also remember that people who talk about voter fraud a lot are really just trying to find acceptable ways to say they don’t want any dirty, poor, brown people voting.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.