Monday, September 20, 2021

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Trump’s Lawyers Ask Supreme Court to Declare His Hands and Genitals ‘Normal’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The outgoing president isn’t done filing lawsuits with the Supreme Court. Already having joined the lawsuit filed by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton — who is under federal, criminal investigation — asking the court to set aside certified election results in key states he lost to Joe Biden last month, Trump’s legal team has now filed its own motion, asking the high court to officially weigh-in on his hands and genitals.

“While this court is figuring out exactly how it will invalidate the Constitution and toss out millions of legally cast and counted ballots so that Dear President may remain in power,” the new filing reads, “His Royal Presidentness also hereby formally requests — and requires – the Justices of the Court to declare his hands and genitals are normal.”

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Over the course of his tumultuous, scandal-ridden, and only presidential term, Trump all but secured the copyright and trademark for the terms “unprecedented” and “violating norms.” This new wrinkle — asking the Supreme Court to willfully disenfranchise millions of voters who cast legal votes in good faith — while shocking in and of itself, took on a twist for the neurotically erotic when Trump asked the court to affirm that his hands, penis, testicles, and perineum are all “of average to super bigly great in size, shape, smell, and other such important defining characteristics,” according to the filings.

“There is no greater country than America (as long as Donald “Normal Dong” Trump is president). Therefore, you are the greatest court in any country anywhere,” the motion states. “You are the only ones powerful, wise, confident, courageous, and INDEBTED TO ME FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFETIME GIG, THREE OF YOU, AHEM!, to make this very important decision to end American democracy and do a dictator thingy instead.”

Senator Ted Cruz has already been tapped, and agreed, to argue this motion before the court as well. Cruz, who graduated from Harvard Law School and therefore knows exactly who among the liberal intelligentsia are the real elitists, is said to be planning several strategy sessions with Trump’s testicles in the next couple of days, in the event that the court agrees to hear any of the longshot motions before it.

“I will count it among my many blessed honors of my lifetime to argue against democracy and self-governance before the Supreme Court,” Cruz told Newsmax TV today. “Did I mention how ugly my wife, Hedi, is? Because WOOF! What an ugly bitch. Anyway, I love Donald Trump, and will prostrate myself before his prostate.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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