In school, most of us learn that the United States of America literally invented freedom and enshrined it in our Constitution, which is second only to the Holy Bible and Fifty Shades of Gray in terms importance to the human race. When a group of white, wealthy landowners got tired of their tax burden, they convinced a fledgling consortium of colonies to throw off the most powerful and expansive empire of the time, and as they did so they ensured that America would be a Christian nation which practices only capitalism as its economic model.
Have you done a CTRL-F in a PDF of the Constitution lately, though? We did, and we discovered something particularly alarming. An exhaustive search of the entire document found that the Constitution apparently does not contain either “Christianity” or “capitalism,” within its text.
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Obviously, when we discovered this, we knew it had to be one man’s fault: Holocaust survivor George Soros. As all good, clean, ammo-hoarding, Bongino listening Americans know, if there’s a problem in America, if there’s something that makes our under-seasoned hearts sad, we can blame it one on man — Holocaust survivor George Soros. Nothing makes TruePatriots® happier than exposing Holocaust survivor George Soros’ schemes to subvert democracy and take down America from within.
Since we know that when the Founders wrote it, the Constitution absolutely must have contained direct references to capitalism and Jesus Christ, the question now becomes simple. When did George Soros order them deleted? And then we have to ask ourselves the really tough question.
When did Barack Obama carry out his master’s plan?
Did it happen while the country was distracted by Obama building the FEMA camps to put Americans in so we could force them to get gay married right before they performed six abortions on demand? Was it when Obama was stealing everyone’s guns too? It’s entirely possible that this conspiracy doesn’t end with Obama, either.
Perhaps that’s what Benghazi and Hillary’s emails were about. Maybe, the second gunman on the grassy knoll in Dallas wasn’t there to help Oswald kill Kennedy, but instead to help Soros remove capitalism and Jesus from our Constitution! Hell, this whole thing might even go all the way back to when the Constitution written, and George somehow went back in time and convinced them to write it without those words in the damn thing!
Unless and until we fully unravel this mystery, America remains vulnerable to more attacks from Holocaust survivor George Soros.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.