Monday, October 2, 2023
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    Can All Right-Wing Twitter Trolls Suck Their Own Dick, or Just Glenn Greenwald?

    The social media microblogging website Twitter has more than its fair share of right-wing trolls.

    Even after it kicked the most famous and powerful right-wing troll in history off its platform last year, Twitter boasted one of the largest groups of users that believe in stolen elections, secret Jewish Space Lasers, virgin births, and Trickle Down Economics that can be found in any corner of the Internet, with the exception of 8chan, in all likelihood.

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    One of the most aggressive right-wing Twitter trolls, former journalist Glenn Greenwald, gets quite a bit of attention. Greenwald — who once was dedicated to fighting fascism in every country, and now just cares most about keeping it away from him and his Sugar Baby turned politician husband — spent much of the Trump Era whitewashing and downplaying reports of Russian collusion, and mocked liberals for being concerned about the gross ineptitude, cruelty, and corruption of that administration.

    Among Greenwald’s many talents is his ability to know, better than any other human alive, what is “good” journalism, and what is “bad” journalism. In a 2019 interview, Greenwald explained where his talents come from.

    “I figured out awhile ago that I’m the gatekeeper of true journalism, and that the formula is simple,” Greenwald told Middle-Aged Reedy Fucks Monthly. “If I agree with it, it’s good journalism. If I don’t agree with it, or more importantly, if I’m not getting credit for it? Bad journalism.”

    While Twitter may be literally lousy with right-wing trolls, Glenn has one talent that the others might not. It’s a talent Mr. Greenwald puts on display almost reflexively, multiple times a day. In fact, each time he snidely criticizes a media outlet — which just so happen to not be conservative — he puts on a world class show of his most obvious talent.

    Sucking his own dick.

    Ever since Don Trump was ousted from Twitter, in fact, Greenwald might be the most talented self-fellater on the platform. Day after day, tweet after tweet, Glenn manages to stuff his entire aging sausage into his own mouth, regaling the world with his hot takes and opinions that are really just facts, as everyone watching Glenn blow himself knows.

    This begs the question: Can they all do it?

    Can every single right-wing Twitter troll suck their own dick? Watch this space as we update it with the data we find and analyze. Anecdotally, tweets from Dan Bongino, his laterally lispy white nationalist fact checker Matt Palumbo, and Jack “Rape Melania” Posobiec seem to indicate that they’re at the very least all willing to try sucking their own dicks.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.