The Republican Party has quite a few elected officials that can only be described with terms like “beloved,” or “popular.” Who wouldn’t love a person who fights for big business to strangle mom and pop businesses while keeping the labor force living in abject poverty and doing everything they can to make rape just an in inconvenient stop on the way to motherhood?
There’s Ted “Booger Eater” Cruz, a man so brave and strong he knows when to let another man call his wife ugly in public and not do anything about it. Or, maybe Marjorie “Horse Faced Cave Troll” Greene is more your cup of tea. If racism and conspiracy theories get you off, it’d be easy to see why she’s your gal. Maybe creepy pervs are more your jam, though, and Matt Gaetz or Jim Jordan are your favorites.
DOES YOUR GRANDSON THINK YOUR JOKE IS RACIST BECAUSE HE’S WOKE, OR BECAUSE IT USES THE N-WORD?
But, when it comes right down to it, though, who is America’s favorite Republican? Perhaps it might seem like it’s too much to figure out, but our mission is to provide the public with the information they don’t need, or want, but that we feel like they should have.
So, with that in mind, we crunched terabytes of information, analyzing social media posts and polling data, and can now publish a list of the five Republicans that Americans love most.
5. Some Asshole or Another
When it comes to Republicans, the asshole-ier the better. So coming in at #5 is some Republican or another. You pick.
4. Another Asshole, Different Than The First One
There is no dearth of Republican assholes to choose from. Therefore, even after you choose a random Republican asshole to slot into position #5, you’ll still have a bevvy to choose from for this one. Happy picking!
3. Still, Yet Another Asshole
Three spots in, and you can be assured that you still have dozens and dozens of Republicans to put on the list.
2. Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia
Putting Sen. Manchin in the position of America’s second favorite Republican wasn’t easy. However, after looking closely at the data, we found that there was a percentage of people who were turned off by Manchin’s incessant coal farts, which he is medically unable to control.
- Sen. Kyrsten Sinema of Arizona
Cute outfits. Fun performative thumbs-down votes. Ignoring her constituents and instead choosing to save a tool that has kept the minority in a position of dominance over the majority in the Senate. Did we mention the cute outfits? What’s not to love about Sen. Kyrsten Sinenema?
CAN GOD BE PROSECUTED FOR MISCARRIAGES IF THE SUPREME COURT THROWS OUT ROE?
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.