Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    7 Out of 10 Republicans Want to Give Monarchy a Try Instead

    During a press conference today, Jenelle Beenflik discussed the results of a new opinion poll conducted by We Poll You So Hard in cooperation with NPR. Beenflik, We Poll You’s deputy assistant media coordinator, described the survey as the “most informative look inside the MAGA mind” acquired to date.

    “The overwhelming majority of people who identified as Republicans and answered our questions told us that they would trade America’s democracy for another four years of Donald Trump as president,” Beenflik said. “70% of them, to be exact. When we asked if it meant that he’d have to called ‘King Trump’ were he to be given his powers back, all of them said that would not give them any hesitation whatsoever.”

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    Of the 70% of Republicans who said they were more inclined to enjoy monarchy instead of democracy, nearly 95% are against any Critical Race Theory discussions in classrooms, and also think that athletes who kneel during the national anthem should be “shot immediately.”

    “We have seen answers like those on previous polls that we conducted over the last four or five years,” Beenflik said, “but now they all make a lot more sense. If someone doesn’t even want to live in a democracy anymore, it would only be logical for them to say things that don’t in any way align with democratic values. I guess you could say it’s almost a relief to finally be able to put so many of our questions about those results to bed.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.