In a new poll conducted by NPR and Marist, 49% of Republican men said they likely would NOT get the covid-19 vaccine. Because it was a simple poll, the exact reasoning for their vaccine hesitancy was not discussed in any great detail. We could speculate all we wanted to about the impetus for their delay in getting a vaccine, but that could wind up with a ton of theories and not a lot of substantive proof one way or the other.
So, perhaps it’s best to focus on convincing these guys to go get their vaccine. But, well, how? How do we convince them? What kinds of arguments will people unwilling to vaccinate themselves against a disease that has robbed us all of a year and counting of our lives?
Well, that’s what I’m here for, and I think I have five great arguments for you to try on your Republican uncle One of them is bound to convince to him to get his vaccine. Right?
#5. Tell Him Barack Obama Said He Can’t Have It
If I have learned anything in the last twelve years of my life, it’s that Republican Uncles are particularly responsive to things they believe Barack Obama doesn’t want them to have. Even though violent crime has been on the decline for decades, during Obama’s tenure, Republican Uncles were so convinced he was going to ban the Second Amendment and come for their guns, that after every mass shooting event, gun sales skyrocketed. The Obama years were banner years for the gun manufacturers.
So let’s apply the same logic, and tell all our Republican Uncles that Barack Obama specifically said they shouldn’t have it. I bet we’ll have every Republican Uncle vaccinated by the end of the week.
#4. Tell Him It Will Also Vaccinate Him Against Socialism
To be fair to our Republican Uncles, they have been fed a steady stream of disinformation and lies about covid-19 from the beginning. They were told the reaction to it was a “hoax,” and that it was just like a flu virus. Our Republican uncles might just be feeling like covid-19 isn’t that big a deal to them.
So maybe we need to tell them that the covid-19 vaccines also protect them against something they find far more life threatening: socialism. Although, to be fair, they know about as much about socialism as they do covid-19, so who knows how it will all shake out; but it’s worth a try.
#3. Tell Him the Vaccine Will Help Him Identify Cancel Culture and Antifa On Sight
Along the lines of the last one; the key to getting Republican Uncles to take their covid-19 vaccine might really be convincing them that it does more than just protect them and us from a deadly virus. Some people just need a little extra push to care about literally anyone but themselves.
Try telling your Republican uncle that Bill Gates had the vaccines specifically designed to give whoever takes it a superhuman ability to see Antifa and Cancel Culture, wherever they’re hidden. Very little terrifies a Republican uncle quite like Antifa and cancel culture.
#2. Tell Him to Stop Being Such a Soyboybetacuck and Take His Damn Shot
Maybe the key to getting them to take their vaccine is shaming them. I’m not into that methodology myself, but these are people who profess to be the living embodiment of alpha male dominance. So, there’s a chance we need to make them feel like they’re acting like the people they despise most – soyboybetacucks – and that will shame them into getting it. Perhaps the ends don’t justify the means, but then again, seeing the look on your Republican uncle’s face when he gets called a soyboybetacuck might be worth it, no matter what he decides afterward.
#1. Tell Him It Will Make Donald Trump President for Life
Now, look, I’m not really a fan of lying to people to get them to do something, even if it’s for their own good. I’m especially not a fan of playing into and lending legitimacy to dangerous delusions. But we need herd immunity to get our lives back from covid-19, and so maybe it’s worth it just to straight-up lie to them and intimate that if they get their vaccine, Donald Trump will become president for the rest of his life, and theirs too.
After all, they were already pretending this was the case anyway, so why not use it to our advantage?
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.