St. EMMETTILL, ILLINOIS — This hero with a badge will stop beating the living shit out of you as soon as you just let him beat the shit out of you.

Lt. Rick Richardson has been a local cop on the streets of his town for twelve years, and he admits that in that time has “absolutely pummelled the living fuck out of” suspects several times. That’s why he’s beating the fuck out of you right now, he says, because “that’s what [he] was trained to do.” There’s no way to get out of him beating the fuck out of you once he begins, Lt. Richardson says, until you stop resisting the absolute beating you’re taking.


 

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All you have to do is submit to the beating, and the beating will stop. Just stop resisting. Feel that baton on your skull? It hurts, sure, but another one’s coming unless you – oh! You’ve waited just a little too long to stop resisting, and so Lt. Richardson had no choice but to keep beating the fuck out of you. The pummelling will finish, Richardson swears, as soon as you quell your human instinct to resist being beaten, so go ahead and stop resisting, and he’ll stop smashing your body with his blunt-force instrument of torture and pain.

You have to wonder if this would be happening if you didn’t look vaguely enough like someone who was accused of a crime that doesn’t carry a threat of corporal punishment. After all, people who aren’t accused of crimes or, more accurately don’t look like people accused of crimes never get the fuck beat out of them by cops. Hell, if you never run into a police officer for any reason at all, you have 100% chance of not being harassed or abused by a cop!

So, stop resisting so Lt. Richardson can stop beating the fuck of you, and we’ll get onto more important matters.

Are you going to stop resisting? Are you going to just succumb, already? Good gracious, some of us have somewhere to be, and can’t get all stuck in the muck and mire, weighed down by inconsequentialities like whether or not you’re having your human rights completely sodomized by an out of control agent of the government.

Speaking of sodomy, Lt. Richardson’s baton would not be going up your corn hole right now if you had just chosen to stay at home today, or at the very least stopped putting up a fight when he first punched you square in the mouth. Keep that in mind as you limp your ass over to your local branch of the ACLU and bitch and moan like a soyboy betacuck that you were sexually assaulted. Just make sure you know you’ll be asked under oath why you hate freedom and the rule of law, okay commie?

You have to remember how much of this is truly all your own stupid fault. Aren’t you probably catching a beating now for something you did and didn’t get caught doing? Or is that just something Lt. Richardson’s abusive father would say to justify beating the fuck out of him when he didn’t do anything? Don’t answer that, it’ll distract him from tasing you right on your dumb balls.

OOH! THat must’ve hurt, I bet! I’m almost sorry for you!

Well, as you can see we have a lot more important things to do than stand around and wring our hands about your abuse. So, enjoy your beating! Just remember — he’s not going to stop beating you until you stop resisting your beating!

God Bless America!


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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