Sunday, October 2, 2022
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    Are All Anthropomorphic Penile Scabs Billionaire Sociopaths?

    This publication’s sole mission is to find the answers to questions that other outlets don’t have the time, inclination, or lack of shame and/or journalistic skills it takes to ask, and to publish them unflinchingly. This is another such time.

    This week, Elon Musk declared that all federal subsidies should not exist, and that President Joe Biden’s Build Back Better agenda should be rejected wholesale by the U.S. Senate. Because Musk’s flagship companies — SpaceX and Tesla — would not exist and would have significant financial hardship without federal tax incentives and subsidies, his recently shared opinions confirm something that has been long suspected about Mr. Musk. Only billionaire sociopaths would collect hundreds of millions of dollars in federal aid and then turn around and tell people struggling to feed themselves they should get no help themselves. Musk also happens to be an anthropomorphic penile scab.

    READ MORE: IS “LET’S GO BRANDON” SECRET CODE FOR “I HAVE A MICRO PENIS”?

    This, of course, begs the question: Are all anthropomorphic penile scabs billionaire sociopaths? We put our best team of unpaid, volunteer Internet researchers to work on finding out the answer to that very question.

    Finding Other Anthropomorphic Penile Scabs Proved to Be Difficult

    Believe it or not, there aren’t that many walking, talking dick sores on Earth. Just when one of our team thought they’d found one, it would turn out to just be a regular, non-sentient peen scab, and not one that can express thoughts and opinions about starving people while you sit in a mansion laughing your blood diamond selling ass off.

    But Elon Musk is Definitely an Anthropomorphic Penile Scab, Though, So…

    While the sample data is admittedly small, it appears that so far as we can tell, 100% of anthropomorphic penile scabs are, in fact, billionaire sociopaths. At the very least we can affirm that 100% of the anthropomorphic penile scabs we could locate were billionaire sociopaths. We leave it to our readers to decide for themselves.

    Let us know what you think!

    READ MORE: ELON MUSK IS CLEARLY A BETTER PERSON THAN BERNIE SANDERS, AND HERE ARE 5 FACTS TO BACK THAT UP

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.