Oh, oh, you think I’ve had too much to drink, do you? You think this is somekinda pattern lately, eh? You’re all, like, “Boo hoo! You’re destroying your liver! We’ve been on lockdown for a month and you’ve gone through six handles of gin! You’re gonna kill yourself! Blah blah blah!”

I don’t care if you think I’m drinking toomuchhh, because in point of fact, it’s you that’s drinking too much during the coronavirus quaratntine, asshole! BOO YAH! OWNED! HOUSED! DESTROYED! DEMOLISHED AS FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

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I can handle MY liquor, okay? I’m not some kid. Some dopey newbie. I’mmmmmm a full-fledged, world class drinker, and I’ll drink youna, and everybody else underrr the table any time, jerk.

You drunk, I mean drink. You drink all the time! I’ve seen you drunk at leasss a couple times this month, too! So what? So you don’t drink EVERY DAY, but you still drink! You know what you are? A goddammmfucking hypocrite, is what you are!

Let’s just stop judging EVERYBODY, okay? So I maybe havebeen drinking a li’l too much since this whole ‘Ronavirus thing started. So what? You telling me you’re so clean? So pure? So perfect? FUCK YOU, CUNTY MCSHITDICKERSON!

Hey hey hey hey hey! Hold up. Hold up. Hold UP. Let’s get some tacos after this, okay? Let’s get some motherfuckinggggg tacos and shit! I haven’t tacos in so long! Since the outbreak or whatever. I want some fucking tacos! Let’s order tacos!

Man, I love you. I’m sorry. No! LET ME FINISH. I am so sorry! I don’t know…I’m just so broken inside. I drink to fill a void that I can never fill because my life is ending every day, and I wake up just as far from achieving whatever my fleeting ideas of a dream are as I was when I went to bed drunk the night beforrrrrrrre. I shouldnnta taken it on you. I’m so sorry!

I didn’t fart. Wait. Did I just fart? Or was it…

The point is, I really shouldn’t have aslpoded on you like that, and I’m sorry. I’m lost without you.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.


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