I need someone who is either a medical doctor, or at the very least an expert in diarrhea, to contact me as soon as possible. I’m nervous. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do next, and I’m afraid that my body is telling me it’s incredibly and forever broken. At first, I thought this was just the worst case of IBS I’ve ever had, but I think that maybe something much more serious is going on.
…and I need to know what it means if my diarrhea looks and sounds like Marjorie Taylor Greene.
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Bear in mind, I don’t mean that my diarrhea kinda looks like her. I’m not saying my wet, loose stool sounds a smidge like MTG. I’m saying that if you put my white hot, Taco Bell originated diarrhea in a bowl next to Marjorie Taylor Greene in a swimming pool, nobody would be able to tell the difference. What I’m trying to say is that my diarrhea and Marjorie Taylor Greene are so similar in looks and what they sound like, that one of her gym employees wants to fuck my diarrhea behind her husband’s back.
So, what do I do? Do I call a diarrhea specialist? Do I engage with conservative SuperPACs to see if they want to enlist my diarrhea to run for an open House seat somewhere? Obviously I never anticipated that my diarrhea would ever come close to looking and sounding like a domestic terrorist, but here I am, face to face with that exact scenario, and I’m scared. I’m truly scared that my diarrhea’s going to try to start an insurrection in my colon, and lord only knows the kind of shit I’d be dealing with then.
Don’t get me wrong — as far as I can tell my diarrhea isn’t as bad as Marjorie. For instance, my diarrhea never thought there was a secret Jewish space laser starting forest fires. My diarrhea never stalked teenage gun violence victims. Hell, my diarrhea never even voted to block certification of a free and fair election, and would never support a violent insurrection. So, it’s not like I’m saying my diarrhea and Marjorie Taylor Greene are carbon copies of each other.
I’m just saying I don’t want my diarrhea being unfairly judged, just because it looks at sounds like a lunatic conspiracy theorist moron. Sure, I want to know if the fact that I’m having diarrhea that looks and sounds like a sentient life form is an issue, medically speaking. However, I truly am mostly concerned that my foamy latte shits don’t get lumped in with Marjorie Greene in some kind of guilt by association deal.
So if anyone out there knows somebody I can talk to — either in medicine or politics — about my diarrhea and its doppelganger Marjorie Taylor Greene, please contact me here, at this publication. Thank you.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.