Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Where Does the Constitution Allow for Delusional Losers With Hurt Feelings to Be Reinstated?

    Since November 2020, it’s become increasingly apparent that millions of Americans are under the impression that the United States Constitution allows for a delusional, defeated president to be reinstated, despite losing his or her re-election bid. For nearly 250 years, it hasn’t really been a subject that’s needed much discourse, because no man who lost his bid to be president has attempted to wiggle his way back into power. The last man to be president, however, is such a delusional person, and as such he and his surrogates have made it abundantly clear to his base and rabid cult following that such a clause exists.

    Since we all know that there’s just no possible way that the guy who said we can inject bleach to kill COVID would lie to make himself look better, we simply must take him at his word. There must be a passage, or a clause, that gives defeated former presidents, even ones that were impeached twice and never won the popular vote, a back door way back into the Oval Office and behind the Resolute Desk, where they can once again stock it with KFC and Diet Cokes.

    7 Out of 10 Republicans Want to Give Monarchy a Try Instead

    The first thing we did was download a PDF copy of The Constitution. To test our CTRL-F functionality, we searched for the word “capitalism” and the phrase “free market.” However, we didn’t turn up any results. Undaunted, we shifted our search to looking for the word “reinstated” and the phrase “butt hurt wannabe dictator crybaby bitch.” However, those searches also brought back zero results. So it was time to reach out to the experts; scholars in the field of constitutional law.

    We called up two professors of constitutional law, and one practicing constitutional law attorney, and here’s where they said we can find the passage in the Constitution that lays out the reinstatement process.

    Gerald McHerald, 39, Practicing ConLaw Attorney:

    “Ummm. What the fuck you say now?”

    Susan Soopkichen 63, Professor of Constitutional Studies at Northwest Southern Idaho Bay University: 

    “I’m not sure where you’ll find that particular passage, but I did hear rumors once that it was drafted in the basement of the Alamo.”

    Matthew Q. Palumbo, 45, Professor of Constitutional Mythology, Trump University Law School:


    Can You Identify What’s “Communism” and What’s an “Average Social Program in the 21st Century?”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.