Thursday, December 8, 2022
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    We Know It’s Not a Brain, So What’s Inside Dan Bongino’s Enormous Skull?

    Of all the right-wing media personalities in America, none have a cranium as large as Dan Bongino’s.

    The research hasn’t been done to prove it, but it’s entirely possible that Bongino might also have the largest ego in the conservative media ecosphere. However, one question has surrounded Bongino since he burst onto the scene a few years ago.

    What exactly is inside Dan Bongino’s head?

    It most definitely is not a brain.

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    Anyone who watched the thrice-failed congressional candidate’s NRA-TV show would know that. However, given how quickly it was cancelled, who could blame you for not having seen it. So, if you want evidence that Bongino’s head is as brain-free as a box of dildos, all you have to do is watch his Fox News show, or tune into his radio show.

    If it’s not a brain — and it most assuredly is not — what is inside Dan Bongino’s head? After polling over a dozen experts in human biology and a handful of neruologists, the consensus landed on it being one of the following three options as to the content of Dan Bongino’s head.

    Option 1: Gunpowder and KKK Pamphlets

    Dan likes guns. Like he REALLY, REALLY loves them. If it goes “pew-pew,” Dan wants to hold it close to his man meat area, close his eyes, and moan softly, thinking about all the libtards he could murder in CIVIL WAR II. Dan’s website is a cesspool of white nationalist rage-bait articles. Most of those articles are written by the white nationalist loser “fact checker” Dan hired to run his social media accounts. It would only follow that inside his head is a toxic and lethal combination of gunpowder and KKK pamphlets, but there are two more options to choose from, as well.

    Option 2: Memories of All the Times He Thought He “Owned” a Lib in a Debate, Only to Find Out He Looked Like a Roided-Out Loser

    Bongino likes to think of himself as the new Rush Limbaugh. Except, you know, in better shape. Danny really thinks that every time he “debates” a liberal, he wins. Even when unbiased observers can tell he’s getting his ass handed to him and his only gimmick is to smugly troll people while shouting over them.

    So, it’s entirely possible that Dan can’t shut the fuck up about liberals because all he thinks about are the times when he pretended to beat a liberal in a debate, knowing he’d just failed worse than a D-list reality TV game show host’s attempted coup.

    Option 3: Farts. Just Farts.

    Taking all the evidence into account, our staff believes this is the most likely answer. Bongino’s skull being full to the brim with hot, wet, intensely putrid farts would explain literally everything that comes out of the massive, gaping hole below his ginormous forehead. In fact, even if you show us proof that there’s a brain there, we’ll pull a Bongino, deny we saw the evidence, and cling to our notion that his head is full of farts.

    Think we got it right? Wrong? Let us know!

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.