SWILLY CORN VALLEY, COMMIEFORNIA — Billionaire automaton Mark Zuckerberg has been developing a separate social media network, designed just for white nationalists, and he plans to make it available to the public in the coming days and weeks.
“Good morning everyone,” Zuckerberg greeted a conference call of investors this morning, “as you know, Facebook is dedicated to pretending to care about social interaction and free speech and thought, while only really caring about monetizing your personal data. I believe we have become the industry leader in that market, and I look forward to continuing our efforts to mine and sell the private data of people all over the world.”
As well as he thinks things have been going for Facebook, though, Zuckerberg says the he and his board are “not deaf” and that they “read the papers like everyone else does.” He knows that he has a bad reputation for allowing hate and disinformation to flourish, and that many Americans are so disgusted by what they see, and that is making people leave his operation in the dust.
“That being said, we’re not deaf, and we read the papers like everyone else does,” Zuckerberg said. “We know we have to do better. And we know that we have to serve our user community in the ways they want to be served. So that’s why I’m pleased to announce that we are launching a brand new social media site, designed just for white nationalists.”
Zuckerberg let the anticipation build in his CPU before continuing.
“And we’re calling it: Facebook,” Zuckerberg said proudly. “That’s right! We are re-launching our own social media site! But this time, it will be very clear as soon as people log in or open an account that Facebook is for white nationalists now, and anyone who isn’t a white nationalist will probably be chased off the site, reported by gangs of angry social conservatives who are offended by trans people existing, or minorities acting like they’re also entitled to the same civil rights as white people.”
Mr. Zuckerberg said that he and a close circle of advisers went through reams of data, trying to determine the best way to improve the user experience he offered people. What they determined is that their platform just doesn’t foster the kinds of shared experiences and human connections they thought it did, and that the easiest way to fix everything was to “overtly cater to racists.”
“I guess, in the end, we figured, why hide it? Why, in fact, fight it? Facebook is an alt-right haven where people meet to plot to kidnap and murder Democratic elected officials,” Zuckerberg further explained, “and there are hundreds of groups dedicated to racism and bigotry that we refuse to close anyway. So, we just kinda decided to let the veil drop, and officially declare Facebook a safe space for white nationalists.”
There is no announced timetable for when Facebook will switch over to a fully white nationalist theme, but this story will be updated with that information if and when it’s published.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.