Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    YouTube Suggests Crowder ‘Just Suck a D— and Get Over It’

    SWILLYCORN VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Controversial alleged comedian Steven Crowder is still officially not allowed to monetize his videos on YouTube. The conservative has come under fire after Vox journalist Carlos Maza, an out member of the LGTBQ community shared a “super clip” he’d compiled of over two years of homophobic slurs Mr. Crowder has said about Maza on his YouTube show. Crowder has in the past been let go from Fox News, and is currently trying to rally supporters on the right, including Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), who took time away from his busy schedule of using the zodiac to plan his next murder, to defend Mr. Crowder on Twitter.

    Over the course of two years, Maza compiled a number of times that Crowder slammed him with homophobic slurs. Crowder referred to Maza as a “lispy queer” and also used Maza’s Mexican heritage against him as well. Maza, claiming he was “fed up” with Crowder’s taunts, posted the clip and essentially dared YouTube to review Crowder’s content, which they did. Initially, YouTube tried to thread a needle with their response, saying that what Crowder said didn’t technically violate their Terms of Service because he was offering a different point of view. That response from YouTube earned them heaps of scorn and derision from critics who said they were giving cover to Crowder’s homophobic bullying.

    The next step was for YouTube to demonetize Crowder’s videos. His content is still up on the site, however YouTube will not allow ads to run on his videos. It’s not really clear if Crowder’s main source of income is the ad revenue generated by his videos, or through other sponsorship deals. Yet, since he announced that YouTube had taken away his monetization, Crowder has been ginning up quite the story of his victimization, and all over the right he is being defended as a “champion of free speech.”

    YouTube has defended their decision to demonetize Crowder, and today they offered a suggestion to Crowder that they feel might “put him back on the path” toward being monetized on their platform again.

    “It’s not Crowder’s bargain basement, one-trick-pony, not-really-funny-outside-a-klan-rally content is the problem,” YouTube said in a statement. “It was when that hacky trite bullshit he calls content veered into the realm of just straight-up homophobia that got him demonetized. Frankly, after hours studying his material, we don’t know how anyone could disagree with our conclusion that Steven Crowder is a dude who has felt the need to try way too hard all his life to prove he doesn’t at least like a little dick.”

    YouTube believes that if Crowder “simply stops obsessing” about homosexuality and simply participates in it, “his entire mood and outlook might drastically change.”

    “If all you’ve ever wanted to do is jump rope your whole life, but you were taught that jumping rope is a sin, you’d probably get uncontrollably upset at people who freely jump rope, and seem to enjoy doing it too,” YouTube’s statement reads. “For Mr. Crowder, jumping rope is like mouthing off some ween.”

    It’s the opinion of YouTube brass that if Mr. Crowder were to engage in oral copulation with another man, it would “likely resolve and relieve a lifetime of pent-up angst, worry, and doubt.” They argue that Crowder “simply resting a dong in his mouth and seeing he liked it” would “do wonders for his mental health.”

    “Just suck a dick and get over it, Steven,” YouTube suggests. “We all know you want to. It’s the only reason a man who hasn’t sucked another man’s dick thinks about men sucking dicks so much. Well, that and if they’re, you know, a guy who likes sucking dicks. Then, of course, they think about sucking dicks whenever they want to. See what we’re saying, Steven? Of course you do. You won’t admit it. But you get it, Stevey.”

    YouTube had one more suggestion for how Crowder might regain his footing with a wider audience.

    “He could also try to actually be funny,” YouTube wrote. “but let’s not go looking for miracles here.”

    Mr. Crowder was too busy “researching” gay porn to respond to requests for comment.

    Related: Steven Crowder Hates Socialism So Much He Thinks Trump Should Nationalize YouTube And Force Them To Monetize Him

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.