PORT AUBURN, WISCONSIN — Local authorities are still trying to piece together exactly what just occurred at 4784 West Pine Nut Avenue, but witnesses say that nothing short of a modern miracle has just taken place in a sleepy fishing village on the country’s northern shore.
“It was the god-damndest thing I have ever seen in all my year’s on this planet, I’ll tell you that much,” Homer Wilcox, who lives just a block north of the home in which the evening’s most strange events took place described the scene to us. “I was walking by the house when I saw Frank talking to Jessica. I’m not the snoopy, eavesdropping kind, but he was talkin’ just loud enough for me to understand him.”
Frank and Jessica Simpkins have lived in Port Auburn all their lives, are both in their early 30’s, and have two kids. They have been together for twelve years, but neither says they feel any immediate rush to officially get married. Though, Jessica admits sometimes she thinks the “tax deduction might sweet some day.” The Simpkins were talking in their living room with the window open just now when Mr. Wilcox heard Frank say something that was quite shocking to his wife, at least to Homer.
“He says to her, ‘You know babe, I really do appreciate you so much,'” Wilcox told us. “And I started to high-tail it out of there because I thought they were surely about to do some hanky panky and like I said, I ain’t no Peepin’ Thomas, if you catch my drift.”
Homer explained that it wasn’t a shock to hear Jessica be told she was appreciated; Homer has told at least two (maybe three if you count hand stuff) women how much he appreciated him. It’s just that for Wilcox, the urge to say those things only came when he was, as he put it, “nigh on to Hump Time.”
“My dad didn’t teach me much in life, on account of him being gone all the time driving his truck across this country,” Homer said. “But one thing he taught me was that is so important to make sure your woman knows how much you appreciate, really, truly appreciate her presence in your life. And that time was when you were about to fuck her.”
Shocked, Wilcox noted that neither Frank nor Jessica were even semi-nude. Something didn’t seem right. Despite his inclination to allow them to continue their business in private, Homer stuck around for just a few moments longer, wanting to see if he was indeed witnessing a truly extraordinary event take place right before his eyes.
“They just sat there and talked about their feelings! I shit you not. A man and a woman, just sitting there, talking about stuff, like how much the love and care for each other,” Wilcox said with incredulity. “I stood there and listened to them for what must have been twenty minutes doing that, and they never once brought up or started having sex.”
Homer paused, thought for a moment.
“In fact, it wasn’t until they went upstairs like four hours later that they did any kind of sex stuff with each other, and then it was mutual oral to climax, and no penetration. Seemed pretty hot though,” Homer said. “But I’m not a creepy perv so once I confirmed that they did eventually get into bed with each other, I was outta there. I’ll make sure it wasn’t a one time thing tonight and probably a couple more nights this week though; in the interest of keeping the experiment scientific.”
Authorities say a restraining order on Wilcox may be in effect by the time you read this sentence.
James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPost, Alternative Science, Alternative Facts, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals.