WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former Trump campaign manager and central Mueller Report figure Corey Lewandowski testified before a House Judiciary Committee hearing this morning. It was a hostile, combative hearing. Republicans, eager to defend Lewandowski and therefore their party’s president, leapt at any opportunity to stall the proceedings, and Lewandowski himself spent much of his time hemming, hawing, delaying, filibustering, and not answering questions.

Before the hearing started, White House legal counsel sent word to the committee chairman, Rep. Jerry Nadler, that Lewandowski’s testimony would be covered under executive privilege. However, this move is quite unprecedented because Mr. Lewandowski never worked in the Trump administration, and presidential executive privilege is extended to the president and those who work in the Executive Branch. What was not disclosed before the hearing, and was only discovered during a break in the testimony, was that White House counsel also sent another set of instructions to Lewandowski.

“Just before I began my testimony today, I was handed a note by White House counsel,” Lewandowski told reporters during a break in the action, “and they said under no uncertain terms that I need to keep the president’s toadstool in my mouth the entire hearing. I decided to honor that request. I spent and will spend the entire time, every single minute of this hearing, with my mouth firmly but lovingly around the phallic disappointment in the president’s trouser zone.”

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Lewandowski said he was “happy to comply” with the request, but he was a little concerned about how well he’d be able to pull it off.

“Well, the thing is that I also was instructed by President Donny Boy Trump to smile smugly every time a Republican lobs a softball question or makes a really inane joke even an open mic’er would think was too hacky to try,” Lewandowski divulged. “I knew, though, that as long as I could get it past my smug smile, that I’d be able to do a good job for the president. Because I love Don Trump. I love him so much. Unlike those cucky jerk-faced beta male Democrats who worshiped everything Obama said, I am not part of some cult of personality. I just literally think Trump shits ice cream and I want to be the one to clean the bowl. With my tongue.”

Other than not knowing whether or not all of Trump’s penile disappointment would fit in his mouth, Mr. Lewandowski elucidated on several other challenges he faced during his testimony.

“Look, the bottom line is that there were 15 or so other guys in that room who wanted to be the one to slurp the most slobber off the president’s dingle-dangle,” Lewandowski said, “and you do not want to get in between Doug Collins or Matt Gaetz and Trump’s dick. You’ll get flattened like you’re walking to a free buffet in Starving Town!”

Lewandowski was worried that there’d “be enough Trump to go around” as well.

“Hey, I’m all about putting him in my mouth, and as much as he wants to,” Lewandowski said, “but let’s be real — how much of him is there to really serve up. His dick ain’t the fish and loaves, you know what I mean?”

Rep. Gaetz was seen coming out of the hearing room and asked whether he thought it was appropriate of Lewandowski to assert executive privilege when he never worked for the president in the executive branch. Gaetz scoffed.

“Look, I don’t have time to discuss these things with you,” Gaetz said, stuffing a dildo shaped like Donald Trump into his mouth, “and frankly, the more you mmfff ssdhdjhas, aasdlqjwe, bbb asduuhhlkwj!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”


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