Trump Whistleblower Hires Rand Paul’s Neighbor as Bodyguard

Today, Senator Rand Paul (R-Putin’s Payroll) had a question for the House impeachment managers thrown out by Chief Justice John Roberts. The question was tossed out, reportedly, because it attempted to name the so-called “whistleblower” who brought the first report of President Donald Trump’s call with the newly elected president of Ukraine that ultimately touched off the impeachment proceedings against President Trump. There are statutes that specifically protect a whistleblowers right to remain anonymous, but right-wing defenders of President Trump have been clamoring to reveal the identity of the whistleblower, claiming Trump has a right to face his accuser, under the long-held principles of American justice.

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Justice Roberts rejected Sen. Paul’s question, however the Kentucky Republican wasted almost no time getting onto Twitter to discuss the situation. Paul denied that he had any knowledge of who the whistleblower is, however he used the name of someone that right-wing circles have been presuming is the whistleblower for the last several weeks. In the interest of not breaking the law, and because this publication has no vested interest in keeping President Trump happy, we are reprinting Sen. Paul’s tweet below, but with the potential name of the whistleblower redacted, below.

 

In a related development, the legal counsel for the whistleblower announced just moments ago that a bodyguard has been hired to protect their client “around the clock.”

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“Today, our client, the whistleblower in the Trump Ukraine scandal,” a letter from the attorneys representing the whistleblower begins, “has deemed it necessary to hire a bodyguard for the personal protection of our client and their loved ones. As it would appear that one particular senator has a particularly turged confrontation boner for them, our client has determined that the best person to hire for this role would be that brillo haired, drawling fuck’s neighbor. Senator Rand Paul’s neighbor will be taking on the role of bodyguard for our client beginning as soon as possible.”

The attorneys for the whistleblower also took the opportunity to extend an offer to Sen. Paul.

“If Senator Paul desires to meet our client so badly that he’d literally break the law to out him, and in doing so give both President Trump and President Putin a big, wet, sloppy kiss,” the letter states, “our client is prepared to meet Senator Paul in private. In fact, he’d love to meet Senator Paul at his neighbor’s house. Our client is confident that the senator knows where that is, unless of course he has some memory loss after the last time he and his neighbor had a meeting.”

Senator Paul was given the letter from the whistleblower’s attorneys during a break in the impeachment trial in the Senate. His hands began shaking as he read it. Soon, tears were forming in his eyes.

“That’s not…that’s not…he can’t…why is he…but…I…,” Paul stammered and stumbled, “AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED! AUDIT THE FED!”

Sen. Paul was seen running and screaming away from reporters. It’s unclear if he’ll continue his efforts to out the whistleblower. His neighbor was spotted leaving his house shortly thereafter, and gave a brief statement to reporters.

“Rand’s a curly haired little bitch,” Paul’s neighbor said, “and I truly, truly hope he wants to keep this shit up. Nothing would make me happier than to enforce the Whistleblower Protection Act all over that Any Rand worshiping sack of fuck’s face again.”

This is a developing story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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