Monday, October 2, 2023
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    USPS Announces New “Whatever” Stamps For Customers Who Just Can’t Right Now

    The United States Postal Service has announced that they are adding a new type of stamp to the postage available for purchase at all post offices in the country. The USPS already offers stamps that range in price from a few pennies to 49 cents. The post office also offers what they call “Forever” stamps, which allow customers to buy their stamps in bulk ahead of time, and they will be good no matter when they are used, even if it’s weeks, months, or years after they were initially purchased.

    Today, the USPS announced they are adding one more variety of stamp to their stable — the Whatever Stamp.

    “The Whatever Stamp is a great option for our customers who just can’t right now,” Assistant Junior Deputy Postmaster General Susan Limpkins told the press today at a rare postal press conference. “And considering just how apathy and anxiety there is in the country right now, we think there’s never been more Americans who just can’t right now. We expect these stamps to be really big sellers.”

    In another development that marks a turn for the postal service, the price for the new Whatever Stamps will not be set in stone, but rather will fluctuate depending on who is buying the stamps and when.

    “Depending on your own personal level of exasperation, you might be willing to pay a lot more or a lot less for one stamp,” Limpkins said. “If you’re not quite so apathetic due to the crushing weight of knowing how futile and pointless life is, you might scoff at paying a hundred dollars for a single stamp. But if you’re feeling just completely and utterly over it, you might not think twice about plunking down two, three, even four times that much.”

    Whatever Stamps will be rolled out officially in the first quarter of 2018.

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.