WASHINGTON, D.C. — The first thing President Donald Trump did this morning, after he spent his usual, scheduled, five hours of “executive time” in the bathroom with his iPhone and Twitter, was to sit down at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and sign a document pertaining to Thanksgiving turkeys.
This is usually the time of year that a turkey is selected for a presidential pardon. However, unlike in years past, Mr. Trump will not pardon a turkey before its scheduled, impending demise for Thanksgiving dinner. Instead, Trump signed an order today, authorizing the termination of all eight turkeys pardoned by his predecessor, Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya).
“Everything done by previous black administrations have been ruled unconstitutionable by me, and therefore they must be reversed,” Trump said as he put a crayon in his hands, and then dragged the crayon over the order he was signing. “I ditched the Paris climate accord and the Iran nuke deal. This is no different. No more turkeys are pardoned unless they’re named Eric or Donald Jr. That is it.”
Trump’s hands made the crayon look enormous, until he handed it to Kellyanne Conway, and it looked normal size again.
“If Bar-Black Obama had found a way to convert farts into pure, clean energy during his tenure in office,” Trump told the press as he signed, “then we’d be reversing that too. If he saved a million puppies, we’d find those puppies, kill them, and then kill a million more puppies just to make a point. Democrat presidents are the worst, but black Democrat presidents that dare to defy my Birther crusade for nearly a decade? They’re the worst of the worst!”
Trump indicated that he was worried about using up all his pardons too early in his presidency.
“I’m not sure, but what if there’s a limit on how many pardons I can hand out,” Trump asked, “I don’t want to waste pardons on people who aren’t related to me.”
President Trump announced that he would have Seal Team Six hunt down and eliminate all eight turkeys that Obama pardoned from 2009 through 2016, though he said he’d be open to simply housing them in the prison at Guantanamo Bay. However, he said, he would reserve the right to have them summarily executed at any time.
“We have to be willing to wipe out the memory of that horrible black man who fought so hard to give everyone in America access to health insurance, like the cuck he was,” Trump said, high-fiving adviser Stephen Miller as he said the word “cuck.” Miller reached over and rubbed Trump’s crotch like a dog trainer rubs a dog’s head and ears to show them they did a good job. “But I’m not unreasonable. We could give them as pets to the little brown baby potential drug dealing murderers we have in our totally-not concentration camps. Surely those little babies would love a turkey for a pet?”
At the mention of the camps on the border, Miller began rubbing his own genitals. Trump took the time to also announce that he was stepping up the fight against the War on Christmas, which he said “that Kenyan commie Muslim Obama” was waging on Christian Americans.
“Not only are we going to say Merry Christmas,” Trump said, “I’m going to sign an order nullifying the First Amendment from December 1st through the 31st, and it’ll be illegal to say Happy Holidays, Happy Jew Thing, or Happy The Urban’s Holiday. Only Christmas will be allowed, but only in December, so those total a-hole jerk morons in the so-called justice system can’t say boo to me about it.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.