Friday, June 9, 2023
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    Tucker Carlson’s Dry Cleaner Won’t Return White Sheets Without Claim Ticket

    REICH LAKE, CALIFORNIA — Fox News host Tucker Carlson is reportedly still fuming mad about an incident that took place earlier in the week at his local dry cleaners. On an alt-right podcast, Tucker told the host that he’s still in an “ongoing dispute” with the dry cleaner’s management, because they will not release his white sheets to him without a claim ticket.

    “They’ve seen me in there I don’t know how many times. I always get either my sheets, or my robes, or my hoods cleaned by them,” Carlson said, “because it took me forever to find a dry cleaning establishment not run by…you know…certain types. So why they can’t just bend the rules for me, I don’t know. I’m white. I’m rich. I’m powerful. Those are all the things that are supposed to unlock every door you want in America. Someone needs to remind them of that.”

    Mr. Carlson, whose show has been repeatedly under fire because of comments he’s made that either tacitly or explicitly defend white nationalism, going so far recently as to call the fear of white nationalism a “hoax,” explained to the show’s host that he was “used to certain kinds of treatment” from the beginning of his life. Someone used to “being handed everything they want” isn’t equipped to deal with the times they can’t get what they want. Carlson said it’s one of the things he finds he has in common with President Trump.

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    “He was born into wealth, and so was I. Neither of us have ever been held accountable or had to deal with any of our failings on any real level,” Carlson explained, “and definitely neither one of us are used to being told ‘no’ in any way, shape or form, and nor should we be! We’re white. We’re rich. We own land. I mean, tell me those aren’t the traits the founders were seeking in their citizens, and I’ll call you a soyboy betacuck. And probably cry a little bit because I get hyper-emotional even though I bag on liberals for only dealing with things emotionally.”

    Carlson knew he was in trouble when he parked his car, got out, and checked his wallet for his claim ticket.

    “It wasn’t in there. I knew, of course, right off the bat that an immigrant or at the very least an urban was responsible. They might have stolen it out of my wallet just to troll me, those radical leftist commies. But I figured, hey, I’m white. I’m rich. I’m powerful,” Tucker divulged, “and that means I get whatever I want, whenever I want it. Or so I thought. But that son of a bitch in the dry cleaner told me they don’t make exceptions to protect the customer and the shop. In case someone accidentally gets the wrong item!”

    Tucker says he’s “running out of time” to get his sheets, and may have to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to pick up a new set if he can’t find a resolution with the dry cleaners.

    “I’ve got a really important rally I’m going to later next week, and I need to have my sheets clean, white, and tight, know what I mean,” Carlson asked rhetorically. “These rallies are just not fun without the proper attire.”

    While Tucker wants the dry cleaners to bend the rules on his behalf, he strongly denied any suggestion that undocumented immigrants should be given similar leeway.

    “Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves with talks of treating others with human kindness and sympathy,” Carlson said. “That’s dangerous. Empathy leads to socialism. It’s literally a cause and effect thing. We’ve been trying for years to train Americans to forget empathy and embrace their bootstraps for this very reason — Satan invented empathy. There. It’s out of the bag. I let everyone in on the secret, I know. But it’s for our common good, I assure you.”

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.