5 Reasons Trump’s Undocumented Workers Are Safe from ICE Raids

Recently, in Mississippi, officers and agents from Immigration and Customs Enforcement — or, ICE, as they’re more colloquially known — raided a food processing plant and arrested almost 700 people suspected of being in the country without documentation. Similar raids have begun to be carried out as well, and many believe as the election next year draws closer, they will increase so that President Donald Trump can use them as campaign materials for his reelection.

Some labor and immigration advocates, however, are extremely appalled by what they see as egregious hypocrisy on the part of Trump. It’s long been suspected that Trump properties, like so many large American companies, employ undocumented laborers themselves. However, everyone probably just needs to take a chill pill and calm down. Because there are plenty of perfectly good reasons why Trump brand properties haven’t been raided by ICE yet…we couldn’t find any though, so we made up five our own.

And here they are now!

5. Hypocrisy Doesn’t Count When You’re Rich

Uh, guys? This is America. We don’t care about hypocrisy if you’re rich. That’s because it says right there in the Constitution, “Rich people are, like, more better than plebs and they get a few more, extra rights.” There’s even the Rich Guy’s Bill of Rights that’s in the back of it, near the index! And if it wasn’t in the Constitution, it would still be all over the Bible, which is pretty much the backup Constitution, right? Isn’t the Bible chock-full of stories that basically reinforce the narrative that wealth makes you right, and puts you above everyone? Pretty sure Jesus died on the cross to prove taxation is theft.

4. Hypocrisy Doesn’t Count When You’re a Republican

If we have learned anything in the last few years, it’s that hypocrisy when put on display by a Republican is just fine. Sure, the GOP tried to impeach a man for lying about a blowjob, but does that mean they have to be appalled by a man obstructing justice? Does it mean they have to care about a man cozying up to fascist dictators? Well, if their concern about all the deficit and debts that Trump is incurring, after spending almost a decade calling a mostly center-right moderate Democrat a “socialist commie” is any indication, you probably already know the answer.

Also: 5 Names To Add To The “Clinton Body Count”

3. Hypocrisy Doesn’t Count When You Have Sexual Feelings About Your Daughter

This is a much lesser-known rule of hypocrisy, of course. Nevertheless, it’s completely true. The Fourth Rule of Hypocrisy clearly states: “You are a hypocrite if you do all the shit you accuse others of doing. Unless you wanna bang that daughter of yours. And who could blame you? She’s so hot! It’s not your fault she’s got half your DNA! If anything, that means she should be more receptive to taking the other 50%!” So, yeah, if you want to pump your own daughter full of your white collar crook seed, you get a permanent Get Out of Being Called a Worthless Hypocrite card. Do with that information what you please.

2 Hypocrisy Doesn’t Count When You’re the Moronic Stooge Puppet of Autocratic A-Holes

The thing is, if you’re doing a lot of other terrible stuff, hypocrisy doesn’t feel like such a misdeed. It would be one thing if your hypocrisy was the only act of malfeasance you committed, but when you’re a grifting conman white supremacist who has mostly failed at everything he’s tried to accomplish on his own? There are so many terrible things you do each and every day that being a hypocrite about them doesn’t seem so bad…and it almost makes it seem trifling to complain about it at that point, too. If you’re a hypocrite who also happens to have an attraction to and affinity for autocratic, violent dictators just because they stroke your ego…all of a sudden, being a hypocrite seems like the least important thing to bellyache about.

1. Hypocrisy Doesn’t Count When You’re Donald Trump

This may come as a shock to many of you, but it turns out that people who support Donald Trump don’t actually care that he’s a massive, whining, idiotic crybaby hypocrite. That’s why literally none of them are demanding that he raid his own companies for “illegal immigrants.” That’s why, even though he’s been married three times and openly talks about banging his daughter, they still think he’s God’s chosen one. He’s a Republican white nationalist making them feel better and okay about being the same. So in the end, in their eyes, he’s not a hypocrite, and even if he was, it still wouldn’t be as bad to them as if he were a black Democrat trying to make healthcare more affordable, which means absolutely everything to them.

Also: 5 Reasons America Has Mass Shootings That Aren’t How Easy It Is For Just About Any F**King Idiot To Get A Gun

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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