Whether you’re a guest in one of his luxurious summer concentration camps, or a curious pure-white American looking to dabble in Satan’s delights, this guide to Mexican food is bigly for you! Put together personally by the White Supremacist in Chief himself, this impressive list of basic Mexican food items will leave you saying, “Muchas gracias, Trump! Tu chorizo de pantelones es muy largo, y tus manos son muy normal sized!”
President Donald Trump’s Guide to Mexican Cuisine
by President Donald Trump
Carne asada is a favorite of the Mexican people. Translated into English, “carne” means meat, and “asada” means “prepared by rapists for rapists.” Carne asada is traditionally served on a plate with other traditional accouterments. In recent years it’s become a staple in burritos, which are not actually from Mexico, though if I’m elected president I will force the Mexican government to recognize the full legitimacy of the Mission Style burrito, and to formally adopt it as actual Mexican cuisine.
Carnitas is one of my all time favorite dishes. It’s essentially pulled pork. Of course, I happen to think that the best pulled pork is American pulled pork, pulled by American hands working on American pigs. But overall, carnitas is a pretty decent replacement for good old fashioned American barbecue. For you linguists out there, “carnitas” roughly translates to “we’re coming over the border to steal your jobs and rape your women.”
For me, the most quintessential aspect of Mexican food is telling the people who prepare it for you that you appreciate them not robbing you, raping you, and forcing you to carry drugs back over the border. But for what I can only guess is far, far fewer Americans, there is nothing more Mexican about food than a taco. Tacos come in all shapes and sizes, and can have both a soft tortilla (covered later) or a crunchy tortilla shell made of flour or corn. As far as I am aware, tacos were initially invented by the Mexican people to help smuggle their heroin and cocaine into the United States with, but when one of them — the Mexicans I mean — accidentally dropped some carnitas into a taco shell and took a bite, the rest was history.
Most Americans are familiar with the word “tortillas” from the traditional way to say hello in Mexican, “Tortillas Dias,” but did you know that tortillas are also used quite heavily in Mexican food? Well, you do now, so you’re welcome, pal! Let me also lay a little bit more trivia on you. Tortillas were first seen in Mexico when women started wearing them on their clothing with phrases scrawled on them in the Mexican language like, “Please don’t rape me,” or “If you need to rape, please rape an American after you cross the border over to that country” if the tortilla was large enough. All of this is true, or my name isn’t Donaldus Z. Trumponi.
“Arroz Con Pollo”
If you’re a fan of chicken and rice, you’ll love arroz con pollo. If you’re curious, “arroz con pollo” translates into “the meal one eats before crossing illegally into the United States hellbent on rape and murder and drug trafficking.” Scholars that I’ve spoken to and put on my payroll confirm that this dish was first invented as a means to fortify the stomachs and bodies of the roving bands of Mexican marauders that the Mexican government started sending over the border into the U.S., giving them the energy they needed to rape, murder and traffic drugs with the best of them. Try this traditional favorite today, with or without pico de gallo, or “raping murderer’s sauce.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”