Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    Local Trumper Shocks Town When He Demands They Take Down Statue Of Robert E. Lee

    HOBART, ARKSANSAS — Clem O’Connell loves American history, and he considers himself a “foreskin scholar” on the subject.

    “I’ve been learned by all the best historians,” Clem tells us. “From Alex Jones, to James O’Keefe, to Dinesh D’Souza, I only learn from the most trustworthy of men, who have absolutely no clearly identified, biased agenda that taints literally everything they say. In fact, I’m just fifty credits shy of my Doctorate in Historical History from Trump University!”

    Around town, Clem has become known as the local defender of monuments erected to Confederate figures such as Jefferson Davis, Stonewall Jackson, and Robert E. Lee. Clem says that while over time, he’s noticed that people have become less and less interested in whether the statues — which his town put up mostly in the Jim Crow era to tamp down support for the Civil Rights movement — stay or go, he’s been growing more and more agitated by the movement to have them removed and put in museums.

    “Our history is an important one and we can’t libtards wipe it out by taking down statues to men who wanted to own black people like furniture,” Clem said. “Even if they ARE just going to put it in a building a few blocks up the road and charge admission to come see it.”

    Recently, Clem sent a buzz through his small Arkansas community when he suggested that they remove a statue of General Lee from their town square. Clem told us that even though it was his great-grandfather who started the petition to have the statue to Lee erected in the first place, he thinks now might be the time to take it down. However, he warns “any libtards out there listening” that he is not on their side in this issue.

    “I wanna take the statue of Lee down so we can put one up to someone who truly helped make America great again,” Clem said. “I ain’t talkin’ about Trump either; I’m talkin’ about the guy who gave us Trump. And no! Not the voters. I say we erect a statue right here, right now the most important president in American history — Vladimir Putin.”

    Clem says he’s been surprised at the lack of support his idea has.

    “He gave us Orange Daddy! I can’t understand why more of my fellow Americans can’t see that,” Clem said. “But they’re all like, ‘Wahhh, we want to pick our president, not have it picked for us! Wahhhh!’ What a bunch of cucks!”

    There will be a city council vote held next week on Clem’s proposal. Despite his city and county going for Trump in the election, Clem says he doesn’t have much hope his idea will pass.

    “Since he took office, people more and more have soured on his antics,” Clem said. “So I guess some people need reminding that as crazy, unhinged, racist, loony, and mean, and treasonous as this administration has been — WE COULD HAVE HAD A MODERATE, BARELY LEFT OF CENTER CAPITALIST DEMOCRAT FEMALE INSTEAD!”

    This story is developing.

    James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.