Sunday, October 1, 2023
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    President Trump’s Itinerary Ruined as He Struggles for Hours to Thread a Needle

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Alleged billionaire reality-TV star, failed steak salesman, and somehow President of the United States Donald. J. Trump reportedly struggled for hours to thread a needle this morning, delaying his entire day’s schedule in the process.

    “We were late to every meeting this morning,” the White House Press Secretary told reporters, “because the president really wanted to sew a button back onto his jacket himself — like winners do — and he was having tremendous difficulty getting the needle threaded.”

    Reporters were further informed that from White Staffers staffers could tell, the issue arose out of the fact that the needle and thread were very small, and Trump’s digits may not have had “substantial enough length,” as one aide described it, to thread the needle. Reportedly he and many other people in the room offered to thread the needle for Trump, but the president repeatedly balked at the suggestion.

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    “Get the fuck outta here widdat,” Trump reportedly told Kellyanne Conway, “what kinda massive, yooge loser can’t sew his own button?”

    But, sources say, Trump just could not get his fingers to grasp the needle and thread at the same time, and neither of his hands seemed large enough to hold either.

    For thirty minutes his closest advisers watched as Trump struggled to even hold the needle upright. One adviser said Trump’s fingers made the needle “look like a street lamp” in his hands, and the real estate baron just couldn’t keep his hands around it.

    “He just kept looking at the needle, and the thread, and his hands, and screaming and cursing,” an aide said.

    Ultimately, after about ninety minutes of struggling, Trump was convinced to just grab another jacket. Unfortunately, he had difficulty wrapping his fingers around the hanger, which felt massive in his hands, and that process put his daily itinerary off by another hour or so.

    Another Story: President Trump Asks All Intelligence Briefings Include Small Words And Big Pictures

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.