COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is an unabashed, self-described “lover and worshiper of the Almighty.”
When he says “almighty,” the popular right-wing podcaster and YouTuber means “free market capitalism.” Bohiggins used to think Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving where traditionally retailers hope to get into the “black” — or turn profitable — by offering drastically discounted items to lure customers in their stores, was a good thing. Now, however, the Trump supporting alt-right media personality says he despises the day of shopping.
“You will not find me camping out in front of Best Buy or WalMart this year, fam,” Jethro announced. “Because until they change the name of that day to White Friday, I’m not shopping on that day. I will not be a party to the cuckification and de-whitening of this great nation of ours.”
Jethro says that he’s “sick and damn tired of good, clean, white Americans playing second fiddle on every holiday.” He says that if white people founded America, “by default” white people should be honored on every holiday. Though he admits that Black Friday technically isn’t a nationally or federally recognized holiday per se, he says the “implications” of not naming it “white friday” are that “white genocide is very much so real” and “permeates every aspect of American culture now.
“Why are we constantly trying to make white people less important nowadays,” Bohiggins asked his audience, “I mean, if you count Black Friday, by my math that makes only, roughly, 98.5% of things that are specifically about us. And sure, I know that Black Friday isn’t really about the urbans, but that doesn’t matter to Cultural Marxists — which are totally real things and not just right-wing Bogeymen we create to gin up hysteria over progressive policies. They just want to beat us, and tear down this country from within, fam!”
Jehtro says that while he “fully encourages rampant consumerism and materialism” to ensure the economy stays strong, he refuses to participate in Black Friday because it encourages a “culture acceptance of white genocide.”
“Let me ask you this,” Jethro howled, “What would happen if we tried to get ourselves a day of shopping called White Friday? I’ll tell you what would happen — all the libtards’d be screaming and about how we’re racists. I get so mad at that. Not because I’m not racist, you see, but because I’m tired of being called on it for things I do that aren’t racist.”
Jethro paused, and then said, “I ain’t a racist when I get my Egg McMuffin. I’m racist when I insist only white hands touch my food. You dig, fam?”
“Bottom line here is simple folks. Just because Black Friday doesn’t have anything to do with black people, that don’t mean it ain’t about hurting white people to the libtards,” Bohiggins said with the utmost confidence. “And I just ain’t gonna play that game no more. No sir. In our next segment — the War on Christmas and whether a preemptive nuclear strike on libtard capitals like Los Angeles, Boston, or New York would be an acceptable way to end it once and for all. Back after the break, fam.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.