WASHINGTON, D.C. — On a call with Buckingham Palace, President Donald Trump offered Queen Elizabeth “deepest and bigliest congratulations” on the birth of her new great grandson, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. Young Master Archie was born to Duchess Meghan Markle and Henry Charles Albert David yesterday, and Mr. Trump wanted to be “the most important person” to offer his warmest wishes, according to a readout provided by the White House.
While on the call, however, Trump took the opportunity to warn the Queen she may want to “do extreme vetting” on her new great grandson.
“Look, all I’m saying Queenie, is that here in Trumpmerica we take a suspicious second look at half-n-halfs that luck into power and status,” Trump told the Queen. “That’s all. You wanna make sure he really belongs with you, you know?”
“Just warning you. The last time we had a half-n-half in power here, he ended up making it so the Poors got healthcare, and the Gays could get married! Not that I actually cared about those last two things all that much, racism’s always been more cup o’ tea, because I like easy stuff, Queenie. And there’s nothing easier than seeing a half-n-half, or WORSE, a wholey, and them thinking they’re your equal.”
According to the transcript, Trump took a moment to reach into the Resolute Desk and pull out a miniature batting helmet filled with only green M&M candies.
“I like the green ones cuz they make you HORNY, Queenie,” the president explained. “My son told me that once, the smart one, Baron. Or wait, no, he didn’t tell me that. One of the dumb ones did. But I can’t remember if it was Uday or Qussay. Anyway, what was I saying?”
There is a recorded moment of 25 full seconds of awkward silence in the read-out.
“Oh! Right, your half-n-half great grandbaby! Right,” Trump said, snapping back to the reason for his call. “I’m just saying get his long form birth certificate, you know? Really make sure he’s a royal. They like to put on airs, you know. Those types.”
For the next several minutes, Trump then bemoaned the fact that “even in the land of supposably free speech,” he was still “totally not allowed” to use the n-word.
“I mean, c’mon! This is 2019! Aren’t we post-racial, Queenie? Aren’t we passed all that, a colorblind society,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Aren’t we to the point where a senile old racist trust fund baby can’t use the n-word in public again?”
Then, the president started asking why he couldn’t get a “decent McRib” from the White House kitchen staff.
“They’re always telling me that they can make me a rib sandwich, but I want a goddamned McRib, Queenie,” the transcript says Trump said at one point.
As the call wound-down, Trump told the Queen he had to go “have some executive time on the shitter.” But he told her once more to “really, really consider” his idea. He’d give her people the number of some “super legal and super trustworthy” private investigators that could help the Queen track down Baby Archie’s real, authentic birth certificate.
“I’m just saying those types like to cheat, so you really gotta dot all your I’s and light your T’s, with those types,” Trump said.
A voice came on the line.
“At the tone, the time will be Three-Twenty-Four-P-M,” a voice said.
Trump hung up the phone. He looked at the desk and saw just the powdery remains of a bottle of adderall he’d crushed up, stuffed into a suppository, and had First Lady Ivanka administer. He shook his violently.
“Yup! That’ll just about do it for that one,” Trump said, turning his head slightly to shout, “SARAH! I WANNA MAKE ANOTHER CALL! CAN YOU PATCH ME THROUGH TO THE PRESIDENT OF PUERTO RICO, SARAH?!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.