WASHINGTON, D.C. — When Disneyland Park opens its new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge attraction, it’s expected to help shatter attendance records. Reportedly, the new theme park experience has garnered the attention of the Trump administration, and this morning the President of the United States made a pointed demand of the Happiest Place on Earth.
“Under the authority vested in me by the Constellation of the United States of America, I hereby demand that Disneyland allow the federal government to deploy agents of Immigration and Customs Enforcement in front of their new Star Trek world,” Trump announced from the Rose Garden this morning.
Trump denounced what he called Disneyland’s “open border policy” of “just letting people wander from land to land without any proper identification.”
“Even the non-white ones! They trust them to just go all around their territory! What a bunch of lunatics,” Trump shouted to no one in particular. “It is highly dangerous to have open borders, and we hear that people will just be able to come and go as they please from Star Trek Land, and we cannot have that. Nope. Cannot. I refuse to stand for it.”
Though he clearly wasn’t aware that the new land will feature characters and experiences based on the Star Wars film franchise and not the Star Trek one, Trump is fully aware of one fact — there will be aliens in the new land. That is of prime concern to the administration, which has placed a high priority on cracking down on illegal immigration.
Citing the “bigly numbers of illegal aliens” they expect to go through Galaxy Edge’s space port, Trump says he would be “falling down” on his duties as president if he didn’t insist Disney “put in measures to stop the flow of murderers, drug dealers, rapists, and Jedi” coming into Star Wars Land.
“Some, I’m sure, are good Sith, but we can’t be sure of that, can we? It’s vital that Disneyland heed my words and let us put ICE agents in Star Trek World,” Trump insisted. “I am not opposed to declaring another fake national emergency, and this time it’d be a fictional national emergency over fictional creatures and places, so that’s, like, pretty important, too, I think anyway. Hey, who smells fried chicken? I’d like some.”
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Trump turned to Sarah Huckabee Sanders and told her to “make a KFC-McDonald’s-Long John Silver’s run” for him. Once she’d left the room, he continued.
“Frankly, we’d like them posted in front of all their lands, but we’ll start with the one that is guaranteed to have the most aliens going through it,” Trump declared. “Sometimes you have to take baby steps toward totalitarianism, fam.”
If they do not post ICE agents at the entrance of the Star Wars themed land, Trump says the government will take away the park through eminent domain and build a “massive space wall” at the entrance instead.
“Don’t tempt me, Disney, I will build a wall so fast,” Trump said, “and the Three Caballeros will pay for it too!”
Mr. Trump also demanded that Disney send him “one of those gold bikinis Princess Lay-Me wore” in Return of the Jedi.
“I bet I know a certain young woman whose name rhymes with ‘The Daughter I Want to Bang,’ who’d look absolutely SMOKIN’ HOT in that thing,” Trump said. “And my dais is already all set up with the rancor pit underneath it and everything, so they’d just be helping us complete the role play, is all.”
Disney could not be reached for comment, but their spokesman, Goofy the Dog, gave a brief statement.
“Donny can screw all the way off with that stupidity. This is America, not North Korea,” Goofy said, adding, “HYUK HYUK HYUK HYUK! AH-HOO-HOO-HOO-EEEEEEEEEE!”
This is a developing story.
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