Tuesday, September 26, 2023
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    Trump Offers to ‘Turn Off’ California Earthquakes In Exchange for 2020 Electoral College Votes

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump sent a letter to California Governor Gavin Newsom yesterday, indicating that he’d be willing to “turn off all the earthquakes” in exchange for every single of the Golden State’s Electoral College votes in 2020.

    “Dear Governor Gavin the Libtard,” Trump’s official letter begins, “I see you all have had a lot of earthquakes in your state lately. I’d just like to point out you never, ever, ever, ever had a single earthquake in your state until you didn’t vote for me in 2016. It’s true. I’ve had people I pay money tell me it’s true, so well, it’s true.”

    In 2016, all 55 votes that California is allotted in the Electoral College went for Trump’s rival. Mr. Trump says that he’d “like to see that get changed this time around,” and if Newsom agrees to tell his state electors that they have to vote for Trump next year, he’ll tell the “government science nerds to flip the switch” and turn off the earthquakes.

    “Think about it Governor Jerkmouth McLiberalface,” Trump wrote, “all you have to do is ignore the will of your population and force a result they don’t want. If it works for my good, close, personal friends Vlad Putin and Kimmy Jong-Un, it can work for you, even if you are a big, dumb, stupid, open borders Angry Bob Mueller Democrat, Gavin.”

    It’s unclear at this time exactly, how, President Trump believes he can shut off earthquakes in a region of the country. Some have speculated that perhaps Trump has ordered the Space Force to develop quake-stopping technologies. Other believe he may have just been access to a 4chan message board where these kinds of things are discussed. No matter how he got the idea in his head, it’s clear to all observers that Mr. Trump is under the impression he has the power to stop earthquakes.

    “Of course I have that power,” Trump would later shout at the press pool as he exited the White House for a turkey jerky run. “I have every power. Did you not hear Bill Barr tell Congress I’m pretty much above the law because if I get stressed out about being held accountable, or when I’m told I can’t just do whatever I want, I get to act out and do illegal stuff. Hair-go, if I am allowed to do illegal stuff, I’m allowed to do impossible stuff. And then, bingo-bango, no more quake-o.”

    Governor Newsom is said to have received the letter, but has no intention of taking President Trump up on his offer.

    “The governor is of course always intrigued by each new way President Trump finds to ignore reality and truth,” a source close to Newsom told us. “But by no means is he going to accept the president’s offer.”

    Another Story: President Trump Declares National Emergency When He Runs Out Of Chicken Nugget Dipping Sauce

    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmannhttps://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.