Everyone knows that Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election, that is if you throw out all the urban votes, only count “certain” votes, and then force Congress to install him as president. Otherwise, Trump actually lost to Joe Biden, and in about two weeks will no longer be president. However, if you’re a good, clean, ammo hoarding, gun toting, red meat eating, Q-Anon believing, sister lusting, pro-MAGA patriot, you know that the only reason the least popular president of all time lost was because the election was rigged against him.
You know this fact, fellow patriot, because you know there’s literally no way to defeat Donald Trump, at any kind of contest, election or otherwise. It’s true! History is full of times where Trump would have won, if the entire thing hadn’t been rigged for his opponent from the start, just like they rigged the election against him by allowing all the votes that were cast to be counted.
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There have been so many times that Dear President has been cheated out of a victory that was rightfully his, only to be labeled the so-called “loser,” simply because he lost, that it was hard to narrow down our list to just five. But that’s exactly what we did! Enjoy!
#4 The 2018 World Series
A lot of people think the Houston CheatingAssFuckfaces won* the World Series that year, but only because they cheated the current world champions, the Los Angeles Dodgers. The Dodgers are one of the most important and storied professional sports franchises, and the Houston CheatingCockpustules are not. Wait. What were we talking about?
Oh right. The point is that year, it was actually Donald Trump who would have edged out both the Houston cheating bunch of douchebags and the Dodgers, had it not been rigged against him. Apparently, you have to be a baseball team to be eligible, but nobody explained that to Trump and he is now officially demanding his rightful trophy for that year.
#3 Rescuing That Baby Yoda Thing or Whatever
Everyone gave credit to a CGI-enhanced Luke Skywalker for ultimately helping The Mandalorian save Baby Yoda, or Grogu as he’s officially named, from the clutches of the evil Moff Gideon. But it was actually Donald Trump who saved the day, not the return of a certain Jedi! The rescue was of course rigged against Trump, though, because apparently you had to be in the Star Wars universe, and actually give a shit about someone other than Donald Trump, to save Grogu.
#2 Defeating IBM’s Supercomputer at Chess
A long, long time ago, some dude lost at chess to a supercomputer built by IBM and it proved that computers would one day, in fact, run and ruin all the things in our lives. But did you know that President Trump would have actually beat the IBM computer! It’s true! But it, too, was rigged against him! The game was programmed to use chess rules, not checkers, and so Trump was completely outmatched and disqualified when he tried to double jump two of the computer’s pawns.
#1 Telling the Difference Between a Fart and a Shit
It’s probably best if we don’t explore this one too deeply. Suffice to say, there never would have been that embarrassing incident in his back nine if Melania hadn’t accidentally given him a Taco Bell hot sauce packet instead of the McDonald’s ketchup packet he’d asked her for.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.