WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump announced that he was “deeply and bigly considering” a new executive order that would make it illegal to use a common phrase people say when emphatically declining a proposition from someone else.
“We have to start somewhere, folks, we have to start somewhere. And the truth is that these caravans of, what, sixteen, seventeen trillion illegal Mexican-looking people keep trying to escape the poverty and murder in their home countries like the cucks they are,” Trump told reporters. “Stephen Miller tells me that it provides a real perverse incentive to these people if we’re going around saying things in their language like, ‘No way, Josè.’ As much as I’m usually into perverted incentives, I can’t go along with this one because it involves, you know, certain, types of people.”
Mr. Trump said that when an “average, white American” uses the phrase “No way, Josè,” when denying someone’s request, it sends a “clear signal to illegal Mexican-ish people everywhere” that they come to America and hear their native language spoken. This, the president argues, is a situation that the United States simply cannot afford to ignore. So, he says he will “very maybe prolly” be signing a new order officially barring “No way, Josè,” and replacing it with a “more white, and therefore actually American phrase,” Trump told reporters.
“I started talking with Stephen, and he had a great point. Why not change the phrase entirely? Sounded great to me,” Trump said. “So when I sign that order, which is very legal, and very cool for me to do, it will change to ‘Not a chance, Lance!'” Is that a way better phrase, or what, Fam?!”
Trump says that the change will “fit in perfectly” the rest of his administration’s overall policy goals.
“If we can make it white, tight, and right, that’s what we do,” Trump explained. “No on ever made anything worse by making it more white. Except jazz. And rock and roll. And hip-hop. And soul food. But you get my point.”
President Trump was asked if he thought the Constitution gave him the power to tell Americans what they can or can’t say. Trump found the question itself hilarious. He laughed and laughed ever harder, eventually letting a fart go in the process. The room became quiet and still. Trump turned to his press secretary.
“That’s a bad girl, Sarah! Bad girl,” Trump chided Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “Now, you go do what dogs and Huckabees do best, and lie, over there, on the other side of the room. So we don’t have to smell the farts that you, and ONLY YOU, are farting, Sarah. Gross!”
Trump gestured toward his press secretary as if to say, “Get a load of that farting bag of lies,” and continued.
“Do I think I have the right to tell people what they can or can’t say? Um, I am the president still, right, dummies,” Trump asked rhetorically. “I’ve never read the Constitution once, but I’m pretty sure my people would tell me if I don’t have universal power. And I’m also fairly sure that the Barr Cover-up of the Mueller Report clearly states I have unlimited power. I might as well be the Senate, know what I mean, guys?”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) upon hearing of the proposed order, dropped everything she was doing to hold an emergency press conference.
“This is outrageous. Simply outrageous. More and more this president shows what a lawless, careless, feckless abuser of his power he is,” Pelosi said, “and I am beside myself with anger and indignation. Each new day brings us more and more fresh evidence that this man is not fit to be president. I’m absolutely upset and this cannot stand. It simply cannot stand. And I just wish there was some way to hold a lawless president accountable, like something in the Constitution or whatever.”
Pelosi scratched her head awhile.
“Hmmm. Nope,” Pelosi said. “Can’t think of anything.”
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.