WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a campaign rally in Houston this week, President Donald Trump declared himself a “nationalist.” The Internet, social media, and traditional media have been abuzz ever since, with many people on both sides of the aisle expressing deep reservations about an American president labeling himself as such.
“You know, they have a word. It sort of became old-fashioned. It’s called a nationalist,” he continued. “And I say, ‘Really, we’re not supposed to use that word?’ You know what I am? I’m a nationalist. … Use that word.” (source)
Perhaps the most well-known world leader of the last century to label himself as a “nationalist” was Adolf Hitler. The comparisons between Trump and Hitler have certainly not been scarce since his inauguration, however even some Republicans couldn’t deny how shocking it is to hear a sitting U.S. President call himself the same thing Hitler did.
“We’re used to dog whistle nationalism and we’re certainly good at blurring the lines between patriotism and nationalism,” one Republican aide told us under condition of anonymity. “But for him to blow our cover like this is beyond concerning, no doubt.”
An unhappy looking President Trump was asked in the Oval Office today if he understood why he drew comparisons to Hitler when he called himself a nationalist. Trump said he “absolutely” understood the comparisons, but also said they were “bigly concerning” to him.
“It’s concerning because the nationalism thing is like the surface thing, you know? I mean, I have way more better stuff in common with that guy,” Trump said. “Way more betterer, even!”
Trump pushed a button on his desk, and moments later his daughter Ivanka appeared. Dressed in a traditional French Maid’s costume, the First Daughter-Lover dropped a bucket of KFC on the desk and, bending down in front of her father, she opened a special beverage cooler the president had installed behind the Resolute Desk, and brought out a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke, which she opened so her father could drink directly from the mouth of the bottle.
“Like, has anyone read our immigration policy? Let me dumb it down for ya — WHITES ONLY,” Trump said. “We’re literally trying to enforce ethnic purity via immigration laws and I’m most like Hitler because of my nationalism? LOL, Fam!”
The president took a massive slug of Diet Coke to wash down the mouthful of chicken he was negotiating while he spoke.
“Umm, hi, I’m trying to help my party keep brown people from reversing my proto-ethnic cleansing,” Trump said. “So, yeah, why come me no compared to Hitler then?”
Trump paused, lifted his buttocks ever so slightly in his chair, and a small, squeaking sound was heard, followed by an enormous, bassy, booming, and wet sounding noise.
“That was Crooked HIllary farting,” Trump said without hesitation. “Shit, I almost forgot — we’re trying to legislate transgender people into having no legal rights. Just like, wait for it, the Nazis.”
Mr. Trump took one more massive gulp of soda and farted again, blaming it once more on Hillary Clinton.
“Even our dongs have something in common,” Trump said as he waved the press out of the Oval Office. “In that both are horribly mangled and barely even recognizable as dongs. So maybe let’s dig deeper for your Hitler comparisons, okay? Bye now.”
Trump was heard eating and farting and Tweeting for the rest of the morning.