WASHINGTON, D.C. — While there has been much buzz and speculation about the Trump administration’s proposed Space Force, what no one on the Hill has managed to quite figure out just yet is how the president will pay for a wholly new branch of the armed forces. A moment in the Oval Office between President Trump and reporters from various right-wing media outlets, however, may have shed some light on that very topic.
“I’ve noticed that a lot of the FAKE NEWS MEDIA CUCKS/JEWS that moan and kvetch and lie about me not keeping my promise to build a great wall and have Mexico pay for it are also the same FAKE NEWS LYING CUNT ASSHOLE FUCKFACES — I love the media and First Amendment though — who are asking how I’ll pay for Space Force,” Trump said, picking KFC out of his teeth this morning. “Well, guess what you FAKE NEWS SCUMBAG COCK MONGRELS? I figured it out last night, in my throne room.”
Trump explained that while he was taking his “usual 3am shit and tweet rage” in the White House bathroom this morning, it occurred to him he could accomplish two of his campaign promises at once.
“This was so easy I’m surprised my completely genius brain didn’t think of it much, much sooner,” Trump said, teasing his big idea. “So here’s how we do it — we pay for my wall by having Mexico pay for my Space Force. BING-BANG-BOOM-PRESIDENTIN’!”
The reporters from Breitbart, Lifezette, and InfoWars all took turns applauding and attempting to fellate the president. However, Trump rebuffed them, explaining that “Vanky Baby really wore [him] out” last night. Later in the afternoon, reporters from the rest of the media pool caught up with Trump and asked him how, exactly, he’d get Mexico to pay for Space Force or the wall when they’ve said over and over again they wouldn’t fund either. Trump laughed so hard he farted and a little Stephen Miller phantom appeared from his colon.
“What? It’s not like anything I say has to actually make sense to the people who support me,” Trump said without blinking or missing a beat. “Am I right? Am I right? Of course I’m right.”
The government of Mexico issued a statement from all three branches of its government, in an exceedingly rare development.
“Yeah, Senor Chingadero Naranjo can fuck right off with that bullshit,” Mexico’s letter reads. “We’ll pay for his stupid racist wall and/or idiotic Space Force when he stops defending Nazis. Or when he stops sucking Vlad Putin’s dick so publicly.”
This is a developing story.