If there is one thing that President Donald Trump’s campaign legal team is exceptionally adept at, it’s making wild claims without providing evidence, at least when not in a courtroom under oath. When the setting changes from a random strip mall parking lot or Hyatt conference center to a place that carries actual penalties for lying and making things up, Trump’s legal team seems to keep coming up extremely short in the area of “evidence.”
Our question is — why should Trump’s legal team get to have all the fun making up stuff? In fact, as a satirical news outlet, don’t we have more of a right to completely pull stuff out of thin air and/or our assholes? We think so, anyway, and that’s why we decided to publish this handy list of evidence-free accusations we’d like to make about the clown college graduating class worth of lawyers that Trump currently has pushing his efforts to overturn a free and fair election.
Remember: we have just as much evidence to back up our claims about them, as they have to back up their claims about widespread election fraud.
#5. Rudy Giuliani Was One of the 9/11 Hijackers
A lot of people keep treating Mr. Giuliani’s anti-democratic antics as “no biggie” largely because of his reputation from his former careers as a federal prosecutor and mayor of New York City during the aftermath of the 9/11 terror attacks. But since Rudy is so very cool with making up shit for his own political purposes, we figured what’s good for the goose is also good for the aging has-been lowlife grifter. So help us start a rumor that Rudy was one of the 9/11 hijackers, won’t ya? Turnabout is fair play, even for gargoyles.
#4. Jenna Ellis is Literally Satan
If you took one look at Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis and thought to yourself, “Wow, Kellyanne Conway had plastic surgery and now looks like a melted Ann Coulter doll,” you’ be 100% right. But you would also be ignoring the sinister truth about Jenna. She’s literally Satan. That’s right, every time you read the Holy Bible, and you come across a guy called “Satan,” that’s actually Jenna Ellis. You heard it here first folks, Jenna Ellis is literally Satan.
#3. Sidney Powell is a Rat Faced Scarecrow Trying to Steal the Election for Trump
Oh, shit, sorry. Our bad. This one is actually is 100% true.
#2. Ellis and Giuliani Run a Pizza Parlor that Serves as a Front for a Pedophile Ring
We thought it might be fun to start a rumor that the Low-IQ Anon folks would recognize, but twist it a bit. So we decided that to accuse Ellis and Rudy of being the ones who ran a pedophile pizza ring. We have just as much evidence as the real Pizzagaters had, so guess what? In our minds, Rudy and Jenna are the real criminal masterminds behind the pizza-centered pedophilia.
#1. They’re All Very Competent Lawyers
This might be the cruelest accusation we’ve made here, because it’s the one furthest from the truth. We have no idea how, or why, this team came to be known as an “elite strike force,” because after losing all but one of more than 40 lawsuits, they should be called an “elite strike farce.” Sidney “The Kraken” Powell’s lawsuits look like they were written by people as literate as her client, and have been laughed out of literally every court they’ve been dragged into.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.