WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today the White House released a joint press release with the Trump Foundation, announcing a partnership with Lawry’s on a new brand of table salt, and Lawry’s Treasoned Salt should hit store shelves in time for Labor Day weekend.
“We are all bigly excited to announce this new salt, and I didn’t know if you know this or not, but literally no one was using salt on their food until we came up with the idea,” President Trump told reporters in the Oval Office. “This salt is going to make all your food taste so treasonous you’ll swear you were sitting in a cafe across the street from the Kremlin!”
Lawry’s Treasoned Salt will combine regular granulated table salt, and a blend of “the finest Russian prostitute urine” available on the market. The urine will be distilled and converted into dry flakes and mixed into the salt. President Trump said the idea for the flavoring components came from his own kitchen.
“I personally love the taste of things once a little bit of Russian whores’ piss has been added to them,” Trump said. “And I think my followers, you know, the TRUE AMERICANS, will enjoy the taste of Russian hooker pee just like I do.”
The new salt will retail for $130,000 and proceeds will go to the Trump Foundation’s Gettin’ That Strange Fund, which was created to help Trump and his progeny pay off women so they don’t divulge their sexual escapades. Lawry’s says because of the steep price tag for Treasoned Salt, they will include a 200 page recipe book with every purchase.
“Inside you’ll find all kinds of wonderful recipes,” Lawry’s said in a press release. “You haven’t tried Eggs Benedict until you’ve put some Treasoned Salt on it!”
Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said it was “disturbing” and “not at all normal” for a president’s company to make a lucrative business deal while in office. However, Ryan, who is retiring from Congress at the end of this election cycle, said his “hands are literally tied” about doing anything to stop it.
“I mean, sure, you can’t see any handcuffs or anything on me, but trust me, I’m in a real pickle here,” Ryan said. “Gosh, I’d like to care. I’d really like to. But, in order to maintain my good standing with Republican voters and the establishment, I had my empathy receptors removed eons ago. Sorry, guys.”
Pre-sales are already said to be quite brisk in certain parts of the country and world.
“Russia and the former Confederate States of America are already showing bigly sales numbers folks,” Trump said.
As he was leaving the Oval Office, Trump accidentally bumped into a coffee table.
“NO COLLISION,” Trump shouted at the reporters in the room, pointing to the table he’d literally just bumped into. “NO COLLISION WITH THAT COFFEE TABLE!”