WASHINGTON, D.C. — Never someone to pass up a good marketing tie-in, President Donald Trump has reportedly reached out to his favorite daughter and asked her to consider releasing a new scented candle. The revenues from sales would then be passed onto his re-election campaign.
“Ivanka! Babe! Sexy! Got a quick question for you, hon,” Trump was overheard in the Oval Office this morning. “What do you think about maybe doing one of those Goop candles. You know, like that Paltrow broad? I really think there’s a good chance people would buy it!”
The First Daughter Lady said something on the other end of the conversation. The president made a noise of disbelief. He had a quick response ready, however.
“I would buy one,” Trump answered. “Hell, I’d buy a whole damn case. I’d put one in every room in this stupid ugly house! Frankly, I shouldn’t be the only man in America besides that Jared guy who knows what your…scented candle…smells like! You’d be doing a service to the country, Baby!”
Ivanka couldn’t quite be heard through the Oval Office door, but it was clear she wasn’t convinced quite yet.
“C’mon! What do you say? Give that Paltrow dame a call and see who she had make her candle,” Trump demanded. “Find someone who says they’ll do it, like, a whole lot cheaper. Then, don’t pay them after the work is done. Bill Barr assures me that’s legal, now that I’m president. I hereby order it, so you know, you gotta do it, okay, my love?”
Once more, Ivanka said something to her father, but sources were only able to hear the president’s reply.
“Well, I know you’re busy, my darling Ivanka! Who else would know better how busy you are than the stud-muffin who gave you all the jobs you pretend to do,” President Trump asked. “Just, do this as a favor for me, okay? Consider it repayment for your sweet-16 tit job, okay?”
Another pause as Ivanka replied.
“I know you didn’t ask for it, Ivanka, but you needed it. You remember what your boobies were like before Daddy hooked you up, don’t you,” Trump reminded his daughter. “That’s right. They weren’t anywhere near up to their potential. We took care of them, though, didn’t we my beautiful daughter IVANKA?”
There was a long pause. Trump could be heard opening a special drawer he had installed in the presidential desk. In it, he keeps buckets of KFC warm, and there’s another compartment on the other side of the desk where gallon jugs of diet cola are kept. Trump could be heard guzzling soda and shoveling fried chicken into his face.
“Think of how much money I’ll make…I mean, my campaign will make, baby,” Trump insisted, “isn’t that something that matters to you? Doesn’t Daddy being president turn you on, I mean, excite you? Doesn’t it make your nipples hard, I mean, make your…nipples, um…You know, what I mean, Ivanka baby!”
But the president had yet more convincing to do.
“Well, it fuckin’ should matter to you, Ivanka! You know what happens to your cushy, taxpayer funded lifestyle if I’m not president anymore,” Trump asked rhetorically, to which Ivanka gave an answer. “No! You won’t have to actually work for a living. Don’t be absurd. You know our plan is to grift off the suckers and rubes that put Daddy into office for a few years, whenever we leave power. I’m just saying you won’t be able to get those Chinese copyrights approved when I’m not president, my sexy-ass daughter.”
While it’s unclear if President Trump was successful in convincing his daughter to produce a scented candle, he’s said to be asking some other women in his life if they’d be willing to do so, should Ivanka officially turn him down.
“Hey, get my that Stormy woman on the horn, would somebody,” Trump could be heard shouting at his chief of staff this afternoon, “and then see if there’s anyone else I haven’t thought to ask. What’s that, Mick? FUCK NO! NOT HER! Wait. Who’s Tiffany?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.