Presidential pardons are quite powerful. If there’s a federal law or statute, and you happen to break it, a presidential pardon is all you need to get out of hot water. The powers don’t extend to state level crimes, but on the whole, a pardon from the President of the United States is just about as close to “get out of jail free” card as you’ll get in this life.
While it may seem like accepting a pardon means that you’re also accepting the blame and responsibility for your crime, and admitting your guilt, that’s not entirely correct! You see, innocent people need presidential pardons all the time! In fact, if you think about it — but don’t think about it too hard — who else besides an innocent person might need a pardon for criminal activity?
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Rumor has been flying that President Donald Trump is considering pardons for several people in and involved with his administration. As it turns out, some of those people he’s considering a pardon for are his own offspring. American Patriots already know about his love of sexualizing one of his offspring, but they may not know about his penchant for corrupt uses of power in order to protect his own naked nepotistic endeavors.
Because the Trump Family is so very private, and hardly ever seeks out attention or the spotlight, you might know who these so-very innocent people are. That’s why we put together this handy list, so you can familiarize yourself with just who might get a presidential pardon from their lame duck daddy.
#1. Eric “Steals Money From Kids With Cancer” Trump
Eric Trump was born on January 6th, 1984, and by June of 1990, he’d learned literally everything his brain was capable of learning. Eric has been operating on that six years’ worth of knowledge his entire life. It’s unclear what federal crimes his dad would pardon Eric for, but if there’s a law barring arrogant stupidity and spreading disinformation about election results, well, that might be a good place for Donald Sr. to start.
#2. Donald “The Second Smartest Donald Trump” Trump
Savvy readers of the Mueller Report know that, effectively, the president’s eldest and least intelligent son Donald Jr was deemed too stupid to prosecute. What the Mueller team discovered is that the younger Don was probably not smart enough to realize he was aiding and abetting the Russians in their attempts to subvert the 2016 election. Maybe those are the things his dad’s going to pardon him for. Or maybe he’ll get a pardon for having the worst case of Chronic Jizz Face this side of the Atlantic. One thing’s for sure, Donald Jr will be the dumbest person to ever receive a presidential pardon, which is something for the record books, at least.
#3. Tiffany “Not Ivanka” Trump
We’d tell you all about this Trump daughter, but since he doesn’t give a shit about Tiffany, why should we?
#4. Ivanka “Super Sweet Turd Cutter” Trump
Why does Ivanka need a pardon? Did she illegally use her power and influence in the federal government to secure Chinese trademarks? Did she use her connections to President Daddy in other, as of yet undisclosed but illegal ways? Very likely. But Trump would give his hottest piece of ass offspring a pardon if she wanted it, anyway. Because he’s always given his complicit little fuckgiblet everythng she’s ever wanted because that’s what being a spoiled, entitled cunt* daughter of a spoiled, entitled fake businessman reality-TV game show cunt begets, in the end — a self-consuming snake of cunty entitlement.
*All complaints about calling Ivanka Trump a “cunt” should be directed to the 500+ permanently orphaned children in the concentration camps on the border
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.