WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 1947, the Department of War was closed down, and its place the Department of State was put in place. There hasn’t been a Secretary of War in this country for almost seventy years, but President Donald J. Trump is now saying he might bring the cabinet position back, but with a couple minor tweaks.
According to several sources within the administration, President Trump would restore the Department of War, add the word “Race” to it, and ask former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke to be its very first Secretary. Trump would do this to thank Duke for the “many years of kind support and defense from the loony liberal open border Democrats,” he said. Mr. Trump said that while he “really, really, really doesn’t much want to see” a race war break out in the country, he would make sure the “tight, right, and white side” won.
“First of all,” Trump told reporters on the south lawn of the White House this afternoon, “I am just thrilled beyond belief that such a yooge voice in American politics would consider joining my administration, and I have always been, as a winner, someone who will take care of his buddies. So I’m really truly considering offering David a special position in my cabinet. Secretary of Race War.”
Duke, the controversial former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and Louisiana Congressman, endorsed Trump’s first candidacy very early on, saying that any white person who didn’t vote for the billionaire reality-TV star was committing “treason to [their] heritage.” Many in the political punditry class recoiled at the endorsement, but Trump said that was “exactaliciously why” he knew he should bring Duke in.
“I’m an outsider, you see,” Trump told reporters, “so that’s my appeal. I do things in such a yooge, who-gives-a-shit way that doing the wrong thing is the right thing for me. And if you think my voters will abandon me, you’re a friggin’ loser too.”
When reporters asked if bringing in Duke to his administration and creating a Secretary of Race War position meant that Trump was planning on ratcheting up anti-minority policies, Trump laughed.
“I have no idea what I’m going to do,” Trump said, “I’m an outsider, I’m winging it. I just looked at what David’s particular skill set is, and figured, hey, if there’s gonna be some yooge race war why not have one of the guys who’s been trying to start a race war for decades in charge of it. See what I mean? That’s why I’m a total winner.”
Mr. Duke was reached for comment at the local dry cleaner, where he was picking up his favorite white robe. He told us he’d be “extremely honored” to bring his “own unique brand of good ol’ fashioned American Racism” to the White House again.
“Someone once told me,” Duke told us, “that it seems really to consider your skin color as something that makes you better than anyone since we have no control over it. But what do I know? I’m just a dumbfuck relic of the past. So whatever!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”