WASHINGTON, D.C. — This week, several suspicious packages containing devices that appeared to at the very least be designed to give the appearance of bombs were sent to prominent Democrats, and the sitting U.S. president told media outlets today they can all simply change party affiliation and the situation will resolve itself “like magic.”
“Look, I’m of course totally upset about all these bombs being sent to Crooked Hillary and Not Really American McBlackGuy, but nobody put a gun to their heads and told them they had to be Enemies of the People,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office this morning. “It’s like, sure, the bombs are technically bad and acts of terror, but who can blame a bomber for wanting to blow up an Enemy of the People, right?”
Leaning back in his chair and absent-mindedly gnawing on the remnants of a KFC extra tasty crispy chicken breast, Trump mused further.
“I looked at the reports, and the one thing all these people had in common — besides being Enemies of the People — is that they were Democrats. But there I go being redundant again,” Trump said with a sort of laugh. “Anyway, if only Democrats are getting bombs, we first have to determine if that’s really a crime, or at least a crime we should care about all that much.”
The president reached into a special refrigerator under the Resolute Desk and pulled out a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke. Trump opened the bottle and dumped the contents down his throat, leaning his head back like a baby bird waiting for its mother to regurgitate its breakfast down its gullet.
“Well if Democrats don’t want to get bombed, they should consider becoming Republicans,” Trump said. “Just switch to Republicans! Because no Republicans got bombs. Now, of course some in the FAKE NEWS SOMEONE SHOULD SEND THEM ANOTHER BOMB PRESS might say I bear some responsibility for my tone and rhetoric but to that I say, ‘Fuck you, and I hope someone bombs you.’ You understand. Okay, get the fuck out of my White House now!”
The press corps was hurried out of the Oval Office, and out onto the sidewalk in front of the White House while President Trump pulled down his pants and shook what looked like a small fungal growth buried in wispy rice noodles at them, giving them the bird with his other rather smallish hand.