WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign issued a financial report today containing details of a large wholesale purchase of over half a million tiki torches. Campaign Manager Brad Parscale took the president’s rectal tissues away from his mouth long enough to hold a brief presser this morning, and was asked a few questions about the tiki torches.
“First of off, we just want to remind everyone out there how much momentum the Trump train has,” Parscale said. “The impeachment hoax totally fired up this country to support its president and now he has a whopping 49% approval rating. Which means almost half the country approves of his job performance. Well, half of the voters do, and considering there are millions who can vote that don’t, it’s probably a much smaller percentage of Americans who think he’s doing well…but…CHOO CHOO! HERE COMES THE TRUMP TRAIN! OWN THOSE LIBS, TRUMP 2020 KEEP AMERICA GREAT! GOD BLESS TRUMP!”
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When he’d settled back down, Parscale talked a bit about the tiki torches.
“We think we hold the most lit rallies in the history of American politics, and now we wanna make them literally lit, or ‘lit-lit’ as we’ve started saying around campaign HQ,” Parscale said, giving himself a high-five for the abbreviated turn of phrase. “That got us to thinking, though. Should we do a book burning rally where we burn copies of history books that don’t call Trump the best president ever, or do we find some other way the president’s base can enjoy literally lighting up his rally? Then it hit us.”
Reviewing the events of the past three years Trump has been in office, Parscale and his team found something they thought could “really unite” his base and “keep them foaming at the mouth with supportive rage and racist nationalism.”
“Tiki torches, bruh, tiki torches. It was right there in front of us the whole time,” Parscale said. “Our, um, you know, clan, wink wink, really loves those tiki torches. So we decided we’d like to team up with a company that makes those tiki torches and see if we can get some Trump 2020 branding on a boatload of them.”
Parscale announced that the Trump campaign had found a company willing to put Trump’s campaign logo and “Keep America Great” slogan on their torches. However, no American company was willing to wade into that particular political minefield, so they went with a company recommended by President Xi of China.
“That’s when Xi told us we should just use that tiki torch company Ivanka owns, because he just gave her the Chinese copyrights last month,” Parscale said. “Talk about really fortuitous timing. We need torches, and the president’s First Lady just happens to own a company that makes tiki torches? Everything’s really coming up Trump these days, ain’t it?”
Parscale told reporters that the American public should “expect even more fun stuff” from Trump rallies as the year goes on.
“The first thing we’re gonna do is start calling them parties instead of rallies, and we hope there’ll be a lot of hanging at our parties,” Parscale said, before catching the lifted eyebrows of the reporters covering the presser. “You know, because a lot of people will be hanging out at them? Jeez guys, talk about your fake news freakouts. A few hundred boys in MAGA hats march around screaming about white genocide and how Jews won’t replace them and all of a sudden we’re a movement full of racists? Sure, whatever cucks.”
The Trump 2020 campaign expects to start handing out tiki torches at rallies beginning sometime this spring.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.