Monday, October 2, 2023
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    Trump Administration: More People Died In Bowling Green Massacre Than Puerto Rico During Hurricane Maria

    WASHINGTON, D.C. —  While his administration oversees the nation’s response to Hurricane Florence battering the eastern seaboard, President Donald Trump isn’t finished casting doubt on Hurricane Maria’s official death toll from last year. Trump angered critics when he blamed Democrats for the newly revised death toll spiking from 64 to just under 3,000.

    “Look, maybe I mistweeted yesterday, okay? Maybe there were 3,000 Almost Mexicans who died as a result of Hurricane Maria,” Trump told reporters this afternoon. “That doesn’t make it a tragedy biglier than, say, the Bowling Green Massacre does it?”

    Trump pressed a button on his desk. An aide walked in with a crate of Diet Coke and a pallet of KFC. Trump became irate.

    “NO! I didn’t press the snack button,” the president bellowed. “I pressed the Show Me What I Want to See button! Now, go fetch those Bowling Green Massacre statistics, would you, please?”

    A moment later, the same aide returned a stack of construction paper. Pasted to each piece of paper was more construction paper, crudely cut out to tell the story, in pictures, of the Bowling Green Massacre. Written in orange crayon in a handwriting so small it looked to be written with a baby’s hands, were various facts and statistics from the attack. Trump told the press it was “almost impossible” to calculate how many Americans died that day, but he said his staff had done just that.

    “And these are the people who showed me the math to back up cutting taxes for the wealthy and having that trickle down on all the plebs,” Trump said. “So we can trust their math 450%, which is a real thing in real math. Okay, so looking at my figures here, I can see that…”

    Trump found the number he was looking for, and stabbed a pudgy orange digit down onto it.

    “Ah! There it is,” Trump said. “One point two squibillion Americans died that day. So, yeah let’s try to keep the Almost Mexicans who died in Puerto Rico — why come they speak Mexicanese there but then get all uppity when I call them Almost Mexicans? — in some kind of perspective, okay fam?”

    James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.