WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of his first and only presidential term, Donald Trump has made it a habit to break and shatter norms and precedents whenever possible. It appears that as the days of his presidency wind down, he’s set to break yet another norm — and has not officially signed off on returning six testicles to their rightful owner.
“No, I have no idea if I’m going to let Marco have his balls back, or Lyin’ Teddy,” President Trump told reporters as he was seen leaving the White House for a McDonald’s Happy Meal today, “and the same goes for Lindsey. Honestly, why should I give them their balls back? They gave them to me! By law that means I get to have them forever!”
The Constitution doesn’t specifically mention whether members of the legislative branch are entitled to have their testicles back after the president they’ve given them to leaves office. Some scholars say this, like so much of the Trump Era, is something untested in previous administrations. Others state that the basic law of gift giving means that the Republican senators may not be entitled to get their balls back ever again.
“I can certainly sympathize with their plights. However, as far as I can tell, President Trump is legally entitled to their balls in perpetuity,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell told reporters today, “and this is frankly why I decided to lick his balls instead of giving mine to him. No party stays in power forever in this country, and I knew that one day Trump might not be president one day, so I wanted to make sure he could leave town and I’d still have my balls, which I really enjoying rubbing on coal, by the way.”
Even if he gives their balls back, President Trump has indicated that he sees no reason to change some other aspects of his relationship with the men he once bested for the Republican Party’s nomination.
“Even if I give them their balls back, I will never stop shitting on them in public, and they should know that,” Trump told reporters when asked at the White House. “Ted’s wife will always be ugly, no matter what. I will call her a pug ugly piece of shit the rest of my life, so if he wants his balls back, he can have them. But he better never bring that pile of pig shit he calls a wife around me again if he wants to spare her feelings.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.