Trump Assures His Supporters ‘Bloated, Criminally Corrupt Cu*t’ is British Term of Endearment

AIR FORCE INDIVIDUAL ONE — This week, President Donald Trump has been visiting the United Kingdom. During his trip, Trump has met with outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May and attended several functions and events with the royal family. Trump’s visit has also been marked by massive protests from the citizens of the UK. Mr. Trump tried to downplay the protests in a tweet this morning.

As his trip came to an end, just as President Trump was about to board, a young British woman approached him. She smiled, did a curtsy, and then spoke to the president in clear, concise terms.

“Time to you fuck off back to America, you bloated, criminally corrupt cunt,” the woman shouted at Trump before giving him the reverse peace-sign that in the UK means the same as a middle finger in the United States. “Feel free to never to come back. And with all due respect Mr. President, go eat all the dicks you can find in the world. All of them. Eat them all, you unctuous, mendacious twat waffle.”

A shocked team of staffers hurried the president away from the verbal assault. Sources would later say that Trump is particularly vulnerable to criticism, because he takes so much care to never hear it. Aides were worried that hearing a woman speak honestly about her feelings about him would potentially send his heart into shock and kill him. Word of the incident spread quickly in conservative social media circles, and the president was forced to address it on the plane ride back to D.C. with reporters.

“I wasn’t offended by what she said. Not at all! Over here, that word is a term of endearment, I promise you,” Trump told the media. “You or I might use that word in an offensive, hostile way, like when I call Sarah that every time SHE farts in the Oval Office and someone looks at me like I did it. I mean, just because I lift my leg, you hear something that sounds like a dog having sex with a possum, and then you smell something that smells like a dog having sex with a possum coming from my pants, does that mean I’m the one who farted? That cunt Sarah is always making it seem like I farted her farts!”

For ten minutes, Trump went into great detail about every fart he said his press secretary “dropped” but he got blamed for. Eventually, he got back to the original topic.

“Anyway, the point is that around here any time they use that word, they actually mean it like in a friendly, loving kind of way. Every single time, trust me,” Trump said. “I cannot tell you how many people I heard call me that on this trip. At first, even I was a little worried, but Stephen Miller took the vintage Nazi dildo I bought him for his birthday last year out of his mouth long enough to assure me that in Merry Old England Dale Township they use that word only positively.”

Trump boasted that he couldn’t remember any other presidents being called that word.

“Did they call Obama a cunt? Of course not. Did they call Clinton one? Nope,” Trump said. “Not since the last truly genius Republican president, George W. Bush, has a president been called this word by a Briton, and I’m bigly honored to be the next in that line.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James' newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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