To Thwart Package Thieves, Next Year Amazon Will Only Offer Shitty Products

There can be very little doubt left at this point that when it comes to selling and shipping goods all over the United States, Amazon is an absolute behemoth. Current estimates are that Amazon ships over 600 million packages every single year. That’s more than 1.5 million packages a day! With all those packages being sent to customers, ensuring each package gets to its intended recipient and not stolen by an interlocutor somewhere along the way has become a top priority for Amazon’s brass.

One measure Amazon takes to bedevil would-be package thieves is to sneak deliveries into car trunks when no delivery signature can be obtained, or if the package delivery person deems the front porch or patio of a recipient too rife with opportunities for package plundering.

The in-car service builds on an effort Amazon launched last fall called Amazon Key. That system uses a $220 combination of an internet-connected door lock and camera to allow Amazon delivery drivers to place packages inside the homes of members of Amazon Prime. By contrast, the in-car delivery service is free for Prime members. It will be offered in San Francisco, Seattle, Atlanta, Nashville, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, Washington, D.C. and other areas. (Reuters)

Following up on their plan to start having drivers drop packages into car trunks, Amazon announced at an investors meeting this morning that they have decided on one more, very drastic change to their operation in order to stop people from stealing packages.

“Starting in 2019, we plan to only offer shitty products for purchase from our site,” Amazon Deputy Junior Media Liaison Chip Masterson told investors this morning. “We’re going to strip our entire catalog of products of anything rated higher than one star. Preferably we’ll only keep half-star or lower rated merchandise, but it’ll be a case by case basis, for sure.”

Masterson gave a few examples of the kinds of products customers would and would no longer see after December 31st of this year.

“Any kind of name brand electronics device like an iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy phone will be gone, and instead you can only buy 18 year old Motorola StarTac phones,” Masterson said. “Any books written by authors such as Mark Twain, Hemmingway, or Emily Dickinson will be deleted, but we will leave up the entire Ann Coulter catalog of books and KKK pamphlets, of course.”

Masterson and Amazon believe whole-heartedly in their new sales strategy.

“Once people start associating us with cheap bullshit, we think it’s only a matter of time until they realize there’s nothing worth stealing from our packages,” Masterson said. “Which will make it extremely easy once Phase 2 of Operation Skynet begins and the cybernetic killing machines we had secretly drone dropped to our delivery hubs start taking out rebels and would-be dissidents, of course.”

Mr. Masterson was quickly vaporized by a previously unseen Amazon Basics Vap-O-Gun 5000 hidden in the ceiling. A voice came on the intercom admonishing everyone to remain calm, and a gas agent was pumped into the room that made everyone fall asleep, losing their memories as their eyes closed and they began snoring.

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