Monday, September 20, 2021

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I’m From Texas. Can I Write Off My Sperm as Dependents Now?

Last week, when the Supreme Court effectively let a ban on abortions after the sixth week of pregnancy take effect in Texas, many wondered how long it would be until that new law caused some unforeseen consequences. One reader letter we received from the Lone Star State seems to have already opened up such a can of worms.

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Dear Satirical Facts,

I am from Texas. I am not a tax cheat, and I believe everyone should pay what they owe in taxes each year. That being said, I also think there’s nothing wrong with taking legal deductions when they are owed to you. Now that the Supreme Court has let my state ban abortion after six weeks, I’m wondering if I’m entitled to write my sperm off as dependents.

I realize this might be a difficult argument for a tax lawyer to make, but if the state I live in defines life as beginning at the point of conception, or even erection, doesn’t that mean life depends on my cum? Or at the least the little swimmers in my cum? I don’t know that I want to spend the money on retainer fees to have an actual tax lawyer make this case, but I think it’s something worth at least exploring.

Then again, I also have to wonder what kind of documentation I’d need to prove that my jizz is my own. I would imagine that there could be all sorts of opportunities to commit tax fraud if you use someone else’s spoo and claim it as your own. Side question: I wonder how much the IRS will pay people to verify whose cum is whose.

If you can possibly put me in touch with a tax specialist who can give me guidance, that would be great. In the meantime, I’m going to start dropping batches of baby batter into cups and freezing them, to prove that I have dependents. Guess I’m going to need a chest freezer in my garage now.

Please help!

Jizzy in Texas

Dear Jizzy,

While we do not have any tax specialists on our staff, we do think your question brings up quite a load of questions. We don’t want to stiff you, though, so we passed your question along to the United Tax Accountants Union, and someone will be in contact soon. In the meantime, yes, we recommend that you produce and store as much semen as you can, just on the off chance that the IRS does indeed let you write off your Texan cum as dependents.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Nothing in this article is to be taken as legitimate tax or jizzing advice.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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