Saturday, September 30, 2023
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    Texas Business Has Been Making Millions On Its “Lunch With Ted Cruz” Escape Room

    EL CHINGADERO, TEXAS — All across America, “escape room” businesses have been cropping up.

    In general, an escape room is a business that offers customers the chance to be locked inside a room and given a time limit under which they must find clues that allow them to exit. One such business in a small Texas town announced yesterday that one of the new themed rooms they’ve opened up has been “raking in millions of dollars” since they made it available to the public a couple of weeks ago.

    “A couple of weeks ago, Ted Cruz sent out a mailer to people offering to give donors a lunch date with him,” Candace Snoot, owner of Breakout Rooms in El Chingadero, told us today via Skype. “And that made us realize there are probably millions of people, not just in Texas, but around the country, that would pay money to get as far the hell away from Ted as possible, and so the Lunch Date with Ted Cruz escape experience was born.”

    Of course, Senator Cruz has a busy schedule of copying the Bible into the Constitution, and making long-winded, grandstanding speeches during Senate hearings, so he cannot be present in the escape room. But Ms. Snoot says she and her family came up with a solution for an analogue for Cruz.

    “We take a giant burlap sack full of slugs and put a Bluetooth speaker in it that blasts Breitbart headlines and Bible verses,” Snoot said. “People so far have said they feel like they were in the same room with Senator Cruz.”

    Snoot told us that the success of the Cruz room was almost instantaneous, but not at all surprising to her.

    “How many more repugnant people are there out there in the world? I think, maybe one or two, tops,” Snoot said. “We weren’t sure if people would want to pay money for doing what their natural survival instincts would do, but I suspect we’d have similar success with an Escape from Rectal Cancer Room, for example.”

    Snoot says they also play on Cruz’s earlier career to create an “aura of fright and dismay” in the room.

    “We put zodiac signs all over the room, reminding you all the time that Ted is, of course, the Zodiac Killer,” Snoot said. “People say this is the scariest escape room we’ve ever made.”

    While trying to follow the clues to get away from the fake Ted Cruz in the room with them, customers must try to find a way to ignore the rhetoric blasting out of the Blueetooth speaker. Snoot says she spent days going over C-SPAN clips of the scarriest Cruz soundbytes she could find. Snoot doesn’t think customers are ever disappointed with what she used.

    “You try listening to a syllable come out of his mouth without being absolutely terrified,” Snoot said. “The best part is that even if you aren’t terrified by what you hear, there’s always a good chance that he’ll literally bore you to death, and in our industry, that’s a big, big, big plus.”

    Candace says her business has never been better. People have booked the Cruz room so far out that she’s considering adding other, similar experiences. If business keeps up, she may have to find a bigger building, too.

    “Oh man, there are so many options! We could have a dinner with Stephen Miller room, or we could use Texas’ own Louie Gohmert, that man is so stupid he makes wet mud look like a Rhodes Scholar,” Candace said. “But we’re not sure that escaping from someone just because they’re dumb is enough, so we’ll make sure to get all of Gohmert’s racist stupidity to play out of the speaker.”

    Sen. Cruz’s office could not be reached for comment.

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    Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

    James Schlarmann
    James Schlarmann
    Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.