A tale as old as time — sexually transmitted diseases.
Let’s face it, if you have human genitals, and you like rubbing said human genitals onto, into, and in the general vicinity of other genitals, you run the risk of contracting some form of STD. A lot of STDs can be treated quickly, simply, and discreetly by a a trained medical professional. However, if you find yourself in the extremely unenviable position of awaking one day to find your junk looks and/or sounds like Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, you likely have one of the most pernicious and disgusting sexually transmitted diseases ever discovered.
And we’re here to help. At least as much as we possibly can.
Firstly, just know that while Cruzjunkitis, while rare and very serious, is not deadly. You won’t die because your genitals look or sound like Ted Cruz giving a speech. That doesn’t mean you should ignore the warning signs of Cruzjunkitis. It just means that you can rest assured that you won’t die from it, unlike that Democrat Hoax that’s killed millions of people worldwide since the start of 2020, of course.
Secondly, keep in mind that Cruzjunkitis is smarter than the man it’s named after. It knows exactly who deserves to be infected, and will only latch onto the immune systems of people wearing Chinese red hats demanding to Make America Great Again, or carrying a Tiki torch and crying about not being replaced. If you’re not an inbred white nationalist, you are virtually 100% guaranteed not to contract Cruzjunkitis.
All of this being said, if your reproductive parts do start looking like they love to eat boogers, or seem like they wouldn’t defend their own wife from being called “ugly” by a disgusting, obnoxious, hateful little troll, then you need to run, not walk, to your doctors office. Get a diagnosis from a professional. Then, you need to embark on the treatment plan they lay out.
Cruzjunkitis is not treated by traditional medications. In order to rid your body of it, you must unfollow Fox News, OAN, and Breitbart on all social media channels. You’ll need to stop immediately, and for the same exact reasons, if you’re someone who likes scuba diving in diarrhea. Doctors say the first step toward curing an infection of Cruzjunkitis is to get the shit out of your head that infected you in the first place.
With time, and a commitment to staying away from klan rallies and Trump rallies (we apologize for the redundancy), you too can save yourself from a raging case of Cruzjunkitis.
DON’T GO TO SLEEP BEFORE CHECKING UNDER YOUR BED FOR ANTIFA, CANCEL CULTURE, AND CRITICAL RACE THEORY
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.