WASHINGTON, D.C. — With his military parade on ice, for now at least, President Donald Trump is preparing to pivot toward something else, though it’s unclear whether that will be attempting to stave off a Democratic wave in the upcoming mid-terms, or trying to figure out how to finally get in Ivanka’s pants.
One man who is still focused on the parade, however, is Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).
“It’s all well and good that President Trump didn’t get his military parade, but I have a constitutional duty to ensure that money doesn’t just get needlessly and haphazardly dumped into another toilet on the taxpayers’ behalf,” Cruz said from the floor of the Senate this morning. “And by ‘toilet’ of course I mean things like healthcare for our veterans.”
Cruz explained further.
“There is no doubt that the men and — much to my eternal chagrin — women of our armed forces are literally the most heroic and perfect creatures ever to live,” Cruz said. “Even loony, squishy liberals and wannabe Republicans can agree on that. If you’re in the armed forces you’re automatically someone who defecates ice cream.”
Sticking his left index finger in his anus, Cruz continued.
“Ah, there, now I can think a little more clearly and lucidly on this subject,” Cruz said as his finger slid up his corn hole. “Now, as much as I love, adore, worship, and pander to them, the fact is that our soldiers also need to buck-up. Stop talking about PTSD just because you have it and we gave it to you. Go get a job, see what paying the taxes that pay your salaries feels like for a change, and then you can have all the healthcare you can afford; just as Jesus Christ himself told us it should be.”
Senator Cruz removed his left index finger, wiped it on the First Amendment of the Constitution, which he had requested to be delivered to the Senate specifically for this speech.
“The bottom line, my distinguished colleagues, is that we have a fiduciary responsibility to make sure that we don’t spend any money ever, which sure, is pretty much just killing our government and is a weird form of ideological terrorism and treason, but well, what was I saying? You know, earlier, when I had my finger in my asshole?”
At the time of publication, Cruz had re-inserted his finger in his backside and was masturbating softly but with intent to the sound of his own voice, and no one said anything because that’s what he does all the time in real life; not just in silly fake news articles.