IRVINE, CALIFORNIA — Alleged food purveyor Taco Bell will be the latest California-based company to enter the craft beer market, according to executives on an investor conference call held this morning. Beginning sometime later this year, Taco Bell will start offering guests a new beverage to wash their supposed tacos and so-called burritos down with, and the company’s Junior Vice President of Regional Sales Strategy explained it in great detail on the call.
“I cannot begin to tell you all just how extremely excited I am to announce that later this year, we’ll be entering the beer game,” Taco Bell JVPRSS Kristen Fuego-Pantalones told those listening to the call, “and we think once people get their first taste of our new Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA, they’ll all be making a run for the border. See what I did there? With the old slogan of ours? Clever, I know.”
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According to Fuego-Pantalones, Taco Bell did extensive market research prior to making any decisions about whether or not to enter the craft beer industry, and did even more market research into what flavor profiles their customers would enjoy most. While they are rolling out just one flavor to begin with, Fuego-Pantalones says that Taco Bell will ultimately ramp-up their beer production to have a menu that rivals their expansive food menu. She gave investors a sense of what the Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA and other beers coming down the line will taste like, and how beer sales will work at the various Taco Bell franchises throughout the country.
“We’ll offer our guests a 4, 8, 16, 32, and even 64 ounce cup we’re calling the Cerveza Bell Grende of our new Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA starting at just an extra $4.99 to any combo meal,” Fuego-Pantalones explained. “The Cerveza Bell Grande will cost our guests a scant $8.99! That’s much cheaper for a lot more beer than you’ll get any brewpub, and one thing you won’t get at any of those fancy-pants, hipster bars is our signature next day diarrhea, so we think this is an offer literally no one will be able to refuse.”
Fuego-Pantalones describes the flavor profile of Nacho Cheese Chalu-IPA as a “combination of nacho cheese and beer so intense you’ll swear someone spilled beer in your nachos, or nacho cheese in your beer.”
“If you’re a fan of any of our food items, and legally we are allowed to call them food items, then we know you’re gonna just love dousing your thirst with this beer,” Fuego-Pantalones insisted. “What’s not to love in a beer that tastes like someone poured molten, hot, cheese in it while your back was turned? Because, that’s literally, exactly what we did to formulate our beer. If you think of anything not to love about that, please, keep your fucking mouth shut, Billy.”
Ms. Fuego-Pantalones shot a look at Billy Williamson, Taco Bell’s third tier IT support technician, who was helping her with the technological aspects of the conference call. A sheepish Billy nodded his head. None of his trademark skepticism would be welcome today, he knew.
So what’s on tap next for Taco Bell Brews?
“Everyone knows that pizza and beer is a combination loved by just about every sentient human,” Fuego-Pantalones said. “So that’s why we think our Mexican Pizzaveza will be a big hit. And if the research we’ve done on the Crunchtastic Doritos Locos Grande Ale will blow people away from their very first sip!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.