A new report from the New American Journal of Obvious Stuff has confirmed a simple fact, but a fact that could send shockwaves reverberating throughout the country. According to an exhaustive, in-depth study of the current political landscape of the country and the makeup of the federal government, one, clear, undeniable fact remains true. That fact?
Donald Trump is still your impeached president.
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“No matter how much he whines, complains, or screams about it, he’s been impeached,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the NAJOS told reporters at a press conference this week. “The math couldn’t be any simpler, really. The House of Representatives held impeachment hearings. They drafted two articles of impeachment against him. Then, they passed those articles. From that point on, and forever until the end of time, he will be an impeached president. Specifically to current times, he’s still your impeached president, therefore.”
Some have wondered if Trump’s drone strike on a top-ranking Iranian general was his attempt to “wag the dog,” and distract Americans from his impeachment. Dr. Hornaydieux concedes that a distraction may have been the president’s intention, but argues that it’s an “irrelevant” one, even if it succeeds.
“It doesn’t matter how many people he drone strikes, how many times he retweets Fox News pundits, or pretty much anything else he does from now on,” Hornaydieux explained. “He’s still impeached. Donald Trump is still your impeached president, and will be for all time.”
What if Trump is eventually tried and acquitted by a Republican-controlled Senate? Hornaydieux says that even under those circumstances, which he says is a “distinct possibility,” the label of “impeached” will always be applied to Donald Trump. There is nothing that Trump or any of his supporters can do to remove that stain from his legacy, Hornaydieux said.
“He’s tainted. Forever tainted as impeached,” Hornaydieux said. “Even for a guy who’s used to smelling of taint, this has to bother the president a great deal. I’m not a psychologist, but I have to imagine he’s going through some kind of spastic fit of narcissistic rage and verbal and non-verbal diarrhea on a daily basis. Imagine how many tweets he writes and doesn’t send. I know we all think that he’s just a reactionary with no sense of forethought, and that’s probably true, but imagine if he were even slightly normal, and the kinds of tweets he’d be keeping himself from sending! Imagine what we’re actually seeing on his Twitter feed times a badillion, I’d guess. Maybe a badillion to the power of badillion.”
Hornaydieux concludes, after looking at the entirety of the study and the evidence it collected, that Donald Trump will forever be your impeached president.
“That doesn’t mean he’ll always be in office. Don’t let’s be absurd,” Hornaydieux said while wrapping up the presser. “But just like Millard Fillmore, James Polk, and Benjamin Harrison are all ‘still’ presidents, so too will Trump be one day. Even Nixon, who resigned in disgrace is still, technically and historically speaking, a president. Therefore, no matter what happens from here on out, no matter how much anyone bitches, moans, or complains, Donald Trump will always be your impeached president. Make sure not to tweet that at him or leave it as a comment on his Facebook posts, or anything though. We certainly don’t wanna trigger a guy who would risk World War III over being impeached, do we?”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.